Total pages in book: 67
Estimated words: 64727 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 324(@200wpm)___ 259(@250wpm)___ 216(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 64727 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 324(@200wpm)___ 259(@250wpm)___ 216(@300wpm)
We stood entwined on the shore holding each other, unwilling or maybe even a little afraid to let go.
Later, we took our time, undressing as if slow motion might stretch the minutes and hours. We came together with a sweetness I’d never associated with sex. Every touch had meaning. Every lick, suck, push, and pull were lines in a poem I wished I knew how to write.
I swallowed his sighs, breathed him in, fused our lips, and put everything I couldn’t say aloud into the kiss.
I want you, I need you, and…I love you.
I love you so fucking much.
Love.
I’d never loved anyone. Never thought about love in any great detail. I’d figured I’d meet someone eventually and my life would unfurl on a vaguely traditional path. A wife, kids…or a husband and kids. Love was just out there…somewhere in the future.
No one had warned me that sometimes it came at you like a thunderbolt out of the fucking blue when you least expected it. Or that it could turn your life upside down and make you question everything you thought you’d known about yourself.
No one told you that it could hurt.
I held Rafe through the night with a desperation that bordered on painful. I memorized the weight of him, the smell of his shampoo, and the hitch in his breathing.
In the morning, I made him coffee in a to-go carafe, carried the last of his bags to the car, and swallowed around the grapefruit in my throat as I opened his door. We didn’t say a word. And if the embrace went on for longer than necessary, so what?
We kissed, said another good-bye…and he was gone.
It was over. And I was fucking broken.
CHAPTER 23
GUS
A few weeks on my own and I wasn’t sure I liked the company. I was kind of boring.
I went to the gym and the rink every day. And get this…the library too. I figured it would be wise to tackle the summer reading assigned to my future students. The incoming freshmen had to read Huckleberry Finn, Of Mice and Men, Animal Farm, and a few others were on the “suggested” list. My goal was to read them all. And fucking Beowulf, too. Somehow that one always sneaked in, and I wasn’t going to be unprepared.
I had time. There were long hours to fill in between packing up the last of my belongings and moving to my condo. Once I was in my new pad, the days seemed to stretch on…and on.
My friends had gone home for the summer. Well…not all of them. Ty was in town, but he wanted to spend his free time with Walker before he headed to Florida to join his team for preseason training. I totally understood. I’d thought about visiting my parents, but they were vacationing in Europe and my brothers were busy. I had old high school buddies I could have looked up, but those were the same guys I used to get high with every weekend.
I wasn’t willing to jeopardize my newfound sobriety. Not when I was finally feeling steady. I went to meetings regularly, saw my therapist, and did my best to build healthy habits…and ideally, not think about Rafe every minute of every damn day.
Some days, I thought I was slowly coming undone, seam by seam. My therapist wondered if I was lonely and suggested joining a rec league and volunteering. So I did both. Now I was playing hockey with guys who were ten years past their prime and helping at the local animal shelter twice a week.
How was that going? Well, the hockey was uninspired, but everyone was cool. The shelter was great too, and there were a few volunteers my age—including a flirty blond who made it clear she was available. I was flattered for sure, but I wasn’t interested.
And no, I hadn’t adopted a pet yet. A fierce tabby with soulful eyes had been brought in a few days ago, and he needed a home. He was cute and feisty, and Rafe would have liked him and—that thought kept me from completing a form. The last thing I needed was for a cat to remind me of what I’d lost.
That was what it felt like…loss. I was grieving something I hadn’t shared with anyone, and my heart physically ached in my chest.
Once upon a time, the logical thing would have been to get obliterated and dull the pain. But I wasn’t self-destructive anymore. I was doing the right things with worthwhile pursuits, so…why wasn’t this feeling going away? Almost three fucking weeks had passed—nineteen days to be precise—and maybe I appeared okay on the outside, but inside, I was struggling.
I petted the cat’s head through the crate, chuckling as his temperamental meow. “Later, tough guy. Behave.”
Jess, my new admirer, peeked around the corner and waved. I couldn’t tell if it was my imagination, but her top was especially low cut today and that smile was extra flirty. “Hey, Gus, someone’s here to see you. Someone kind of exciting too!”