Total pages in book: 80
Estimated words: 78466 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 392(@200wpm)___ 314(@250wpm)___ 262(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 78466 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 392(@200wpm)___ 314(@250wpm)___ 262(@300wpm)
“Oh I dunno,” she said indignantly, turning to him. “Maybe the same kind of manners that woman had when she hit on my father!”
I couldn’t stifle the laughter, and neither could Sam as Kola joined us, putting an arm around his sister’s neck before he led her over to where he’d been with his cousins. I could see Hannah telling them all about it, and the mixture of horror and amazement on their faces made the whole thing that much funnier. I could imagine the conversation: “Uncle Sam? No way, that’s so gross! He’s so old!”
“They’re all disgusted,” Sam said playfully as he took my hand in his and kissed my knuckles as he led me to the dance floor.
Once there, he took me in his arms and we swayed together to the music. Before I closed my eyes, I saw Amanda dancing with another man, and she smiled at me.
I smiled back and lifted my head, kissing under Sam’s jaw, and was rewarded with a low rumbling purr of contentment.
“It’s going to be a good year,” he husked into my hair.
I was sure of it.
FEBRUARY 2019
Hello, all, and welcome to my column, where I try desperately to answer your questions about life, health, and family and offer encouragement and help along the way. It’s February, which means I hope you’re all staying warm if you live someplace cold, like me, in Chicago, where I was pretty sure I was going to die a couple weeks ago when it was 20 below. I mean, what the hell? Anyway…on to my column! In this installment, I asked my friends at a recent dinner party I threw, if they had kid questions for me, and here they are.
DEAR JORY:
How mean is it to tease your kids about things they do? Especially when they think acid-wash jeans are a good idea because some ridiculous little girl in drama club thinks it’s hot. (Submitted by Aja Harcourt)
Jory: Ridiculous little girl?
Aja: Even Madonna doesn’t dress like 1984 Madonna anymore.
Jory: Ah.
Aja: Don’t judge me, just answer the question.
Jory: I think that as long as the teasing is in good fun and never becomes hurtful, so everyone knows you’re playing, I say why the hell not? People need to get a sense of humor and not take themselves so damn seriously.
Aja: All right, then. I’m going to town on the jeans because he looks like an idiot.
Sam: If that’s true, about getting a sense of humor, why do I get grief about the pimple song?
Jory: The fact that there is a special song that you made up to sing to your children when they get one pimple and are waiting for the next one to pop up, is both evil and wrong.
Sam: I just think it’s important that they know that their one pimple will have a friend soon enough.
Jory: It’s amazing that you think it’s fine to sing to them even as they flee in horror. You sing through the door, and it’s not a short song!
Sam: Oh gimme a break, it’s not “American Pie”.
Jory: There should not be a song!
Sam: What happened to not taking yourself so seriously?
Jory: There should be a ban on singing about acne, but other than that, feel free to tease your children so that they, in turn, can be evil to theirs someday.
Aja: Sam has a pimple song?
Jory: No.
Sam: Yes!
Aja: Oh, I must hear it. I feel as though my whole life has been leading up to this moment.
Kola: Aunt Aja, just don’t.
Robert: Maybe you better not, huh, Mom? I heard this is NOT good.
Aja: Who did you hear that from?
Kola: Me!
Aja: Well, darling, you’re hardly a credible source of criticism. Go ahead, Sam.
Jory: No. Just no.
Sam: I’m a lonely pimple, as lonely as can be. Don’t worry, pimple, I’ll keep you company! We’re just happy pimples––
Jory: No!
Kola: Dad!
Hannah: That song is the devil! I always break out more! Make him stop!
Jory: Sam…
DEAR JORY:
What should you do when your husband scares the holy crap out of one of your daughter’s friends? (Submitted by Hannah Kage)
Jory: What are you talking about?
Hannah: The other day Dean drove over to talk to me outside and––
Jory: He wasn’t in the house, was he?
Hannah: Pa! Lis-sen to me.
Jory: Sorry, sorry, g’head.
Hannah: We were in the front yard, and we were just playing around, and he picked up the newspaper that was still by the mailbox––
Jory: Your brother’s supposed to bring that in.
Hannah: Ohmygod, can we focus on the girl child right now?
Jory: Fine. Go on.
Hannah: As I said, we were just playing around, and he started hitting me with it. Not hard, I mean, it’s a newspaper after all, but then my father drives up in his boat of an SUV, rolls down the window, and says, “I break the hand that touches my daughter.”
Jory: …