Total pages in book: 80
Estimated words: 78466 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 392(@200wpm)___ 314(@250wpm)___ 262(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 78466 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 392(@200wpm)___ 314(@250wpm)___ 262(@300wpm)
Jory: Don’t say penis, the kids might hear you.
Dylan: Your kids are upstairs killing demons and you really think they’ve never heard anyone say the word penis before?
Chris: I find that very hard to believe.
Jory: Go away. I’ll be done in a few minutes.
Dylan: Were you naked on the kitchen table?
Chris: What?
Dylan: Oh calm down.
Chris: You could warn people.
Jory: You’re not supposed to be in––
Dylan: The naked is not the big news here. I can’t believe Sam ate sushi.
Chris: Ohmygod that’s right!
Jory: Could you not yell in my ear while I’m—
Chris: I didn’t yell.
Dylan: Yes, you did. You’re overly excited about this news.
Chris: Well, it just opens up more options for places we can eat.
Dylan: That’s valid.
Sam: Why are you yelling?
Chris: You ate raw fish? I thought you were the reason we never have sushi.
Jory: I’m writing a column here. Can you all just go away until I’m done? I told you earlier I’d have to excuse myself for just a—
Sam: I don’t eat raw anything.
Chris: Ah-hah! See, that’s what I thought.
Jory: And why are you in here now?
Sam: Is that what the altar thing was all about? The nyo-thing?
Jory: It wasn’t an altar; it was the leaves and flowers that go around the naked body when you—oh shut up. Go away!
Sam: Why weren’t you naked on the table? I would have liked that part.
Chris: Just to satisfy my curiosity, did you use sliders or something?
Dylan: Or pigs in a blanket?
Jory: All of you…get out.
Dylan: You used Bagel Bites, didn’t you? That’s why there were none left for Hannah and Kola’s epic Diablo marathon tonight.
Jory: I hate you all.
Chris: They didn’t burn you?
Dylan: Did you put them on your—you know?
Jory: Get out!
Sam: Who cares about the food, naked on the table would have been great. What happened? Why didn’t I get to see that?
Jory: Just never mind.
Sam: You’re kidding, right?
Jory: Ugh, fine. Our stupid cat kept jumping up on the table and batting them off me, and I kept shooing him away, but he finally knocked one down to Dobby, who ate it faster than I could roll off the table, and then he promptly barfed, and then the cat threw up a hairball in solidarity, and by then I—Sam, stop laughing!
Dylan: I don’t think nyotaimori and pets mix.
Chris: I’m gonna go with no.
Jory: I give up. Clearly, I shouldn’t be giving advice to anyone.
Sam: No. That’s not true. Come here. You can do this later…
Jory: But, Sam, I’m supposed to be telling…people…oh…how to stay—stay close during…oh…
Dylan: Ugh. Stop that. You see? This is what I’m talking about. You two don’t need to worry about intimacy or—Sam, put him down and get back to the couch or we win!
Hannah: That’s the answer to the question.
Dylan: Oh, sweetie, you startled me. Where did you come from?
Hannah: Kola and I need sustenance.
Dylan: Gotcha. Did you hear us talking?
Hannah: I heard Pa starting his column when we first came down. Is that what you mean?
Chris: Yes. That’s what she means.
Hannah: Well, I can tell him that the answer to the question of how to stay connected during the holidays is to be like him and Dad. Everybody just needs to kiss and hug and be all over each other all the time.
Kola: These are first-world problems.
Hannah: Don’t be such a—ohmygod, I just had the best idea in the history of ever.
Kola: No.
Dylan: Well, we’re going to go finish beating your parents at Pictionary.
Hannah: Uh-huh.
Kola: Come on, let’s go finish killing—
Hannah: I’m going to do the column.
Kola: No.
Hannah: Yes! He’ll be so surprised. He loves it when we take initiative.
Kola: You don’t know anything about grown-ups and their problems.
Hannah: I won’t pick those; I’ll pick different ones.
Kola: No. Just—are you listening to me?
Hi there, everyone! My name is Hannah Kage, and I’m taking over this December column of He Said, he said for my father and bringing you a fresh perspective on all things holidayish.
Kola: Not a word.
Hannah: And here we go…
DEAR JORY:
What are some of the traditions you have for the holidays, and how did those come about?
Hannah: Watching holiday movies is something we do in our house. We watch Die Hard because, you know, it ain’t Christmas until Hans Gruber plummets to his death. And I know that’s not very “Christmassy,” but what can you do? We watch Home Alone, which drives my dad nuts because of the inept police department, The Ref, ditto on the police for Dad, A Christmas Story, and sometimes Elf. We watch them together in a pile on the couch, and we eat the worst things ever. It’s our marathon Christmas Eve tradition, because we drive around a lot on the actual day. First, we go to our nana and grandpa’s house for breakfast and open presents and visit with them. Then we go to a homeless shelter and stay most of the day, and then around five, we go to Uncle Dane’s house and have dinner. The next day, on the 26th, Pa cooks, and we all get our favorite things or whatever we decided we wanted. Last year my brother asked for moussaka, and I got lobster mac ’n’ cheese, Dad requested beef stroganoff, and Pa ate a little of everything. It’s our own celebration that started because Dad wanted us to have our own thing. We love our family, our big one, but he wanted us to have our own quiet holiday part too.