Total pages in book: 97
Estimated words: 94692 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 473(@200wpm)___ 379(@250wpm)___ 316(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 94692 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 473(@200wpm)___ 379(@250wpm)___ 316(@300wpm)
I’d felt so fucking alone.
The pressure kept building up inside me, but I couldn’t afford to unleash anything. I was acutely aware of our kids being in the other room.
I sniffled and removed my glasses, leaving them on the table, and the tears just fucking flowed. God-fucking-dammit. Damn him. Damn him for saying this now when I was already at my weakest.
I wiped at my cheeks fruitlessly, only to hide my whole face behind my hands.
Don’t fall apart, don’t fall apart, don’t fall apart.
Ash whispered a curse, and then he was right in front of me in two quick strides. He wrapped his arms around me, as if that would console me? If possible, I shattered even more. He hadn’t hugged me in…I didn’t even know how long.
You absolute fucking bastard. Fix this and take me back.
As validating as it felt to hear him say all this, what good did it do in the long-term? We were down to the final days before we told our youngest kids that we were getting divorced.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Nathan. I fucked up the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Okay, that was going too far. I wasn’t exactly blameless in our clusterfuck. “Quit it,” I croaked, needing to get my shit together ASAP. Micah or Lily could appear at any moment. “You can’t take all the blame.” I sniffled and withdrew from him. Let’s face it, being so close to him wasn’t fucking helping.
I walked over to the sink and turned on the water. “Christ, I’m gonna look like I’m the one needing trauma care after this.” I bent down and splashed water on my face. “You had to get this off your chest forty-five minutes before my Zoom meeting?” I scrubbed my hands vigorously over my face before turning off the water again and reaching for a towel.
“Shit. Are you seeing a patient?”
“No, I’m helping a colleague. She’s the keynote speaker at a conference next week, and she asked me to help her finalize her address.” I finished drying off and glanced hesitantly at Ash. “Do I look like roadkill?”
He smiled sympathetically and shook his head. “It takes a bit more cryin’ than that.”
What a wonderful silver lining.
I released a breath and returned the towel. Bitching aside… “Thank you for telling me. What you said before, I mean. It means a lot.”
It was akin to closure. As close as I could get to it without feeling actual closure, I’d say. Because I knew that wasn’t happening. You couldn’t get closure from something you couldn’t let go of—and therefore no absolute relief either.
“Least I could do.” He checked his watch, then folded his arms over his chest. “So, uh, what does next week look like for you?”
With impeccable timing, Micah wandered into the kitchen and glued himself to me, wrapping his arms around my middle. I would’ve become nervous that he’d overheard something, but the smile he sent me put me at ease.
“Hi.”
I smiled back and combed my fingers through his wavy hair. “Hi, sweetheart. Everything good?”
“Yeah, I just missed you. Come over here, Dad.” He motioned for Ash to come closer too.
It’d been a while since he’d needed a double hug.
“You don’t have to ask me twice.” Ash joined us and bent down to give Micah a tight hug. “These are the best damn hugs, am I right?”
“Best damn hugs,” Micah echoed.
The day he outgrew his affectionate phase was going to suck royally. Dylan and Hallie were long past it. We could get a hug from Hallie every day, but they were the short ones. The two-second embraces. Lily was younger; she still wanted to sit on laps and cuddle on the couch. But she grew restless and had ants in her pants, so she rarely sat still for long. It was Micah. He recharged his batteries through closeness and affection.
I dipped down and kissed the top of his head.
He was the biggest reason I dreaded the divorce, in terms of what this would do to our kids. He struggled with Ash’s “working late” and that we didn’t have dinner together much anymore. Lily’s anxiety manifested itself differently. There was more than one exception to every rule, including changes to her everyday life. She grew introspective sometimes or she shook her head in “hell fucking no, we’re not doing this” or she jumped for joy because it was something she’d longed for. Having her own room, for instance. Boy, was she happy about that. The girl was fiercely territorial and loved having her own space. But if Ash and I went up there right now and tried to redecorate? No way. She’d freeze up in terror.
I rubbed Micah’s back unhurriedly, and Ash straightened and made eye contact with me.
Maybe we were thinking about the same thing.
He asked you about next week.
I cleared my throat. “I, uh, I have two new patients with double sessions—and then a seminar on Wednesday and Thursday.” In other words, it was going to be a lot next week. “What about you?”