Total pages in book: 138
Estimated words: 133034 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 665(@200wpm)___ 532(@250wpm)___ 443(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 133034 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 665(@200wpm)___ 532(@250wpm)___ 443(@300wpm)
We don’t talk about it, other than giving each other snippets of how brilliant seeing him again is going to be. Smiling about how great it’ll be to see him, right there in the flesh before us. But under the surface, the nerves and the tension are thrumming like a bass note, getting louder.
“Are you going to be alright tonight?” I ask my boyfriend on the morning of the meetup. “You should eat something, you know. Even just a piece of toast. Try to settle your stomach.”
Josh shakes his head, sipping coffee as he avoids breakfast.
“My stomach wouldn’t hack it.”
I chew down a piece of my toast, and I understand the avoidance, because my own guts are churning, too. I hope I don’t barf up when the nerves crash in.
“What do you think will happen?” I ask Josh. “I mean, really happen? You know Heath way better than I do.”
Josh shrugs. Gives me a nervous smile. So uncharacteristic of his usual chill.
“I have no idea. I must have run through at least a thousand scenarios, and I’ve given up on the predictions now. I just don’t know where his head will be at.”
I give up on my toast, dropping my half eaten piece on my plate.
“What about where your head is at? What do you want to happen? What’s the best case in the thousand scenarios?”
His shoulders are tight. His fingers gripping the counter. We’ve been skirting this conversation for weeks.
“Normality,” Josh says. “That’s my best case in the thousand scenarios. The one that makes the most sense.”
“Normality. Ok…”
I try to gauge what normality means. Heath has been a regular client of Josh’s for years now. Normality for him must look like regular meetups, secure and constant. But this summer was… different. We both know it. It wasn’t just a week-long proposal. It was…
Falling in love.
Even thinking those words makes me feel ill, it hits so hard.
Josh turns away from me, which is unusual. He busies himself arranging the fruit in the fruit bowl, but I don’t let the conversation go. I can’t. I need to know where Josh stands before we face the grand reunion.
“But what about Cannes? That was more than normality, wasn’t it? That left normality in the dust.”
Josh shrugs again, but doesn’t turn around.
“I don’t know about that. We had longer to express ourselves, and feelings build quick in a pressure cooker, but they were always there in the first place. They will always be there. It’s just how we get to express them that’s at stake.”
My brain feels like a whirlwind as I try to digest what he’s saying.
“So normality means being regular again? Regular proposals, regular time together?”
Josh gives up on the fruit bowl and turns back around.
“Normality means being safe again. Secure.” He looks me in the eye. “All of us.”
I push my plate to the side.
“You really think that’s possible? That Heath can just be a client, and we can just go back to being entertainers with a hey there every few weeks? Like the whole thing never happened?”
My tone is angrier than I meant it. The frustration and fear eating me up.
“Sorry,” I say. “I’m just scared. Now it’s here, I’m really scared.”
My gorgeous boyfriend crosses the kitchen and takes my hands in his.
“I’m scared too. I’m scared things with Heath are fucked up from here on in. I’m scared this whole scenario is going to chew him up and fry his senses, like it’s frying ours.” He takes a deep breath, squeezing my hands. “And there’s more I’m scared of. Things that cut deep.”
I stay quiet, my heart thumping.
“I’m scared of getting rejected by him, after all this time. Career over feelings. Because that’s the sensible choice for him. And the sensible choice for us.”
My lip trembles.
“I know. And it’s all my fault. It’s my stupid bullshit history that got us here.”
Josh’s eyes widen.
“No. It isn’t. Don’t think that for one second, because it’s not true.” His eyes dig into my soul. “Sometimes when you play with fire, you’re going to get burnt. We played with fire, the three of us, and it was fucking awesome, but it was dangerous for all of us. Connor or not. The chaos that came after only reinforced the reality that Heath is a major public figure, adored by millions, with a platform worth millions. It highlighted just how serious playing with fire can be.” He tries a smile. “So it could be a good thing that life panned out this way. To keep things in check. To keep us all sane. Because you know what the rules are when it comes to clients, Ella. We all do. The Agency lays out the stance very clearly.”
“Heath isn’t just a client, Josh, and you know it.”
“No, he isn’t. But he should be. And he’s a fantastic client, the best there could be. But he’s a client for a reason. The rules are there for a reason. We have to keep that in mind, whatever it takes. That’s how we safeguard our relationship with Heath. Normality.”