Total pages in book: 138
Estimated words: 133034 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 665(@200wpm)___ 532(@250wpm)___ 443(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 133034 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 665(@200wpm)___ 532(@250wpm)___ 443(@300wpm)
Two guys being so loved up in front of me, adoring each other with such open hearts…
Fucking me with such heat, and want, and care…
Such love all the way through the lust.
I miss Heath so bad it’s savage.
CHAPTER NINE
It’s pointless trying to play things down when I arrive back at the Airbnb. Josh sees through my ‘chilled’ facade the very moment he sets eyes on me.
“What is it?” he asks, and his arms are around me before I’ve even kicked my pixie boots off. “Was something wrong with the proposal? Did something happen on the way back?”
I shake my head. “No, no, nothing at all.” I fight the lump in my throat. “And that’s the thing. The proposal tonight was so good. It was so nice.”
He keeps hold of my shoulders as he pulls away, his stare digging into mine.
“Two guys. A celebration…” He pauses, weighing it up. “I imagine it was quite a loving one.”
“Yeah, it was amazing. They are so in love. So secure. So…” My breath hitches. “And it reminded me of… it reminds me of.” I choke as I try to speak. “And I just miss him, you know? I miss you and him. I miss…”
“Shh,” Josh says and rocks me in his arms. “I know, I know. I miss him, too.”
Josh maintains his composure as I lose mine, his body so firm when mine falls apart. Just like always. Just like it has been since Cannes. He’s such a protector and I love him so much for it.
“What are we going to do?” I ask him. “We can’t lose him for ever, can we? What if we never see him again?”
Josh stiffens at that. “For ever is a long time. We just have to focus on the here and now. You are only just back on your feet, and you’re doing really well. You’re making strides every single day. Worrying about Heath is down the road yet. It’s not the time.”
I push Josh back, taking a deep breath before I carry on.
“You’re lying to yourself,” I say. “You’re denying yourself the pain to protect me from mine. I know you are.”
He blinks, and his lip trembles, just a touch.
“That’s not how I see it, Ells. I’m not denying myself of anything. I’m putting you first, where you should be.”
I run a finger down his cheek.
“I love you, Josh. That’s a beautiful thing. But you have to accept the same. I need to be supporting you, the way you’re supporting me. We’re a team, aren’t we?”
His smile is so genuine. His lip trembles again.
“We’re the best team there could ever be. Rain or shine, it doesn’t matter. We’re in it together.”
My incredible boyfriend is right, we are the best team there could ever be… but that team is smaller than it was in Cannes…
The team in Cannes with the three of us together, free to express ourselves as us, without restraint was a whole new team of its own.
Josh loved Heath before I did. Before I ever met him.
Josh had Heath in his life for far longer than I ever knew.
My pain must dwarf his, no matter how strong he is about it.
I address the elephant in the room. Finally. My inner turmoil wouldn’t let me face it before. I didn’t want to ask the question when I was too lost to think straight, but it’s time now.
“How many proposals have you turned down?” I ask my boyfriend, and he knows what I’m talking about.
He takes a deep breath.
“That doesn’t matter.”
“So, you have, haven’t you? You’ve had proposals and you’ve turned them down?”
“As I said. It doesn’t matter. I did it for him as well as you.”
“Of course it matters! It matters for him, too!”
He grips my shoulders.
“Neither of you were in a position to make any kind of call on that. I had to be the one who held strong. For all of us. Ells, you were suffering. Your situation has been fucking horrendous.”
“And so was yours!”
“Not nearly as bad as yours, sweetheart. Not even close.”
I kick off my pixie boots and walk into the kitchen. I need a hot chocolate, even though I feel sick to my stomach.
Josh joins me in the doorway.
“I would have told you if you’d have wanted to know, believe me.”
I nod. “I know that. I have no doubt. I just wasn’t brave enough to face it. I’d have asked if I was.”
I take the tub of hot chocolate from the cupboard. My hands are shaking as I put the kettle on to boil.
“You could have gone to a proposal with him on your own,” I say. “You could have… I dunno. Kept him far away, but still managed it. Somehow.”
He shakes his head. “I wouldn’t have done that. Not to either of you. You needed me, and support, and care. And Heath is Heath. He needs privacy. He needs his own security in his position, and we’ve been too close to him to risk it. Both of us.”