Total pages in book: 84
Estimated words: 80774 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 404(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80774 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 404(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
*
The sun is rising when I wake up. I couldn’t have been asleep long, but Lucas had pulled the blanket off the bed, wrapping it around us. Soft light dances through the window, the world around us waking up, not knowing how my heart had bled for him last night.
I turn to face him, and Lucas stirs, his eyes fluttering, before focusing on me. “Hey,” he says, voice rough from lack of sleep.
“Hey. I’m sorry about last night…starting that and then falling apart. I’d like to finish telling you, if you don’t mind. I need to. Before we decide if we’re moving forward.”
He nods, but I can’t read his expression. Lucas stands, holds his hand out for me, and pulls me to my feet. He puts on a pair of sweats, and I tug on my joggers. “Come on. I’ll make some coffee.”
I follow him into the kitchen and take a seat at the bar as Lucas gets the coffee going. The words are so hard to say, but I need them out of me, need them in the open, at least with him because Lucas deserves to know. “I broke up with him,” I say, when his back is to me. He stiffens. “The day it happened…I broke up with him. I told him I love him, that he’s my best friend in the world, but I wasn’t in love with him…and then he left, Lucas. He left upset, and I let him. He died because I hurt him and didn’t make him stay. He was hurt and sad, and I let him walk out the door, and he died after I broke his fucking heart.”
Lucas turns around, his face wet with tears. Is this where he tells me to leave? That he can’t forgive me? That I should have made sure Ellis stayed?
Lucas walks over and stands beside my stool. He turns me so I’m facing him, steps between my legs, and hugs me. “I’m so fucking sorry. I can’t imagine how that feels, but it’s not your fault Ellis died. It was a tragic, devastating, life-altering accident, but it wasn’t your fault.”
“He died thinking I didn’t love him.”
“No.” Lucas shakes his head. “Ellis knew you. He knew you loved him. He would have never doubted that. No one could ever see the two of you or know the two of you and doubt that you loved him.” Lucas pulls up the stool beside me and sits down.
“I did,” I say. “So fucking much. I miss him. Maybe not in the way some people think I should, but I do. I never wanted to lose him. I wanted him to find someone who would love him the way he deserved. We were so fucking young when we got together, both of us discovering our sexuality together, experimenting together. We were always with each other, my life so entwined with his. Who even was I without Ellis? Without your father. My past was tied to him, my future, my career. My head was just all twisted up.”
Lucas sets his hands on the counter, drawing circles with his fingers. “Maybe that’s what this is too.”
“No. This is different. It feels different. I don’t know how to say this without it coming off bad or like I’m trying to deny how fucking incredible Ellis was, but I felt like I had to be something specific with him, like I was always striving to be as good as him, to be what he wanted me to be, to deserve him. That’s not his fault. He didn’t ask that of me, but it was so much pressure, and no matter what I accomplished, it felt like it was never enough. He wanted to live his dreams through me, wanted to make your dad proud through me. I tried so fucking hard to do that, but I couldn’t… With you, there’s no pressure. No rules. If I fuck up, I don’t feel like you’ll lose everything you’ve ever wanted because of me. But…I know you’ll lose your dad…both of us will. He won’t be able to forgive this, and how do I ask that of you?”
“I don’t have my dad now, Hunt. Come on. You know that. That’s not how he operates. He decided a long time ago I’m not worth his time, and I never will be, and honestly, I don’t even fucking care anymore. Love isn’t supposed to be conditional.”
No. It’s not. “I wish I’d stood up for you more with him. Even the other day.”
“What would that change? He is who he is, and I am who I am, and those two things will never fit.”
Lucas walks over to the counter, grabs mugs from the cabinet, and I follow him, wrapping my arms around him, lips pressed against his shoulder. “You’re better than he could ever be…better than I let myself see before. I wish I were more like you, but I’m trying. And I know it’s wrong, especially after everything I told you, but I still want to be yours if you’ll have me. We can’t be open about it yet, I’m not ready for that, but you make me happy, Lucas, and I’ll do anything in my power to make you happy too.”