Total pages in book: 84
Estimated words: 80774 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 404(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80774 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 404(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
I pull back, look down at him. At the brown of his eyes, his clean-shaven face, that messy blond hair I love running my fingers through, and wonder if he feels how fast my heart is beating…how hard.
“I want you to be mine,” I tell Lucas.
“I am yours,” he answers without hesitation.
“For real. Not this nameless thing we do. I want you to be my boyfriend, and that’s so fucked up, Lucas. I get that. Jesus, how do we even fucking do this?” I roll off him, lying on my back.
Lucas props himself up on his elbow. “I get it,” he says softly. “I know a part of you will always belong to Ellis. I know you’ll always be in love with him, that if he were alive, you would still be his, but I want what I can have of you. I want what’s left for you to give.”
My eyes snap to his, all this sadness in my chest spreading, but it’s not for what I thought it would be. “Don’t do that. Don’t take less than you deserve, even from me. You deserve to be loved completely.”
“I want you,” he says, and damned if I don’t want him too, want him more than I could’ve imagined, want him more than I’ve ever wanted anyone else. “And I know that makes me a shitty person. I know I’m betraying my brother’s memory, but I want you anyway. I don’t care what I have to do to have you.”
“Christ.” I sit up on the edge of the bed. Lucas stalls a moment, but then he’s beside me. “I don’t know how I deserve any of this. How I deserved him and now you.” It was my fault. If I hadn’t let him leave. If I hadn’t told him. If, if, if.
It’s not until the drops begin hitting my thighs that I realize I’m crying, that my face is wet and my vision blurry with years’ worth of tears I’ve held at bay.
“It’s okay. Hey. I’m here. Whatever you need. If this is going too fast, we slow down. If you change your mind, I get it. I know how you felt about him.” Lucas wraps his arms around me, pulling me close. I take comfort in the warmth of his body, the power in his hold, and while it’s soothing, it also makes me cry harder, makes the guilt stronger.
That’s what he doesn’t get, what no one gets because I’ve been too fucking weak to tell anyone the truth, but it’s killing me to keep it inside, and I don’t want to lie to Lucas. I don’t want anything else between us.
“I wasn’t in love with him,” I admit. The air in the room stills, and then it’s like it’s being sucked out. Like no one can breathe or talk or even live here. “Fuck,” I say, shoving off the bed, hands in my hair, pulling until my scalp burns. “I loved him, Lucas. I loved him so fucking much. You have to believe me. He was my best friend. And I thought I was in love with him…and maybe I was at some point. I just know we were best friends and then we were together, and it felt right. Ellis was my first everything. I couldn’t imagine life without him, and I don’t know if that fucked things up in my head or what.”
Lucas doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move, just watches me as I give him my secrets and my betrayal.
“I knew for a while I didn’t feel about Ellis the way I was supposed to, but I was so fucking scared of losing him and hurting him, of betraying the family that had given me so much. I kept trying to make it work, but you can’t make yourself be in love, no matter how hard you try.”
I press my back against the wall and slide down, sitting on my ass, naked on Lucas’s floor as I spill my guts about how I hurt his brother…after fucking Lucas, after letting him inside me. This is so messed up.
“I loved him. I swear I did. I didn’t mean to be confused. I didn’t mean to change things or fall out of love or whatever the fuck happened, but I just couldn’t fucking do it anymore. I couldn’t lie to him. He deserved better than that.”
The tears are flowing too much now, stifling my words, clogging my throat, pain and guilt and regret making a storm inside me, but in the midst of it is the longing, the way it feels to be with Lucas. It’s so fucking new and so right.
A second later, he’s there with me on the floor, holding me, kissing my cheek, my temple, telling me it’s okay, that he’s here, that he’s not going anywhere. And then we’re lying down on the carpet, Lucas spooning me, our bodies slotting together as if meant to be, until I’m all out of tears.