Total pages in book: 126
Estimated words: 121734 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 609(@200wpm)___ 487(@250wpm)___ 406(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 121734 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 609(@200wpm)___ 487(@250wpm)___ 406(@300wpm)
We hadn’t stayed much longer, as things felt a little surreal and heavy. Now the air in my truck felt just as heavy. Was that an emotional hangover from what Zoey had confessed? I gripped the steering wheel. “She’s going to get her help.”
Rain turned my way.
“We didn’t have time to get into it, but she’s going to get Zoey all the help. Not that she wasn’t before. She was just—Ski doesn’t trust a lot of people, but there was one social worker that helped us. Helped her, really. I don’t understand all that stuff, but I know you helped tonight. And you’re acting all impartial about it and chill, but it was a big fucking deal what you did. You helped Zoey, and you helped my sister, and you helped me, and I don’t get why you’re sitting there all cold—”
“I wanted to kill myself too.”
I stopped breathing as those words echoed in the truck.
Fucking Christ.
I hit the blinker and pulled into the nearest parking lot. As soon as I knew I wasn’t going to crash the truck, I put it in park and turned her way.
“When you were a kid too? A teenager?”
Rain faced forward. Her eyes weren’t on me. I didn’t like that. I wanted to see her.
“No,” she said after a moment. “I still had hope back then. I don’t know how or where it came from, but I wasn’t done yet.”
Jesus. A vacant expression came over her. Her words sounded empty. “I’d bought a gun the day Mal Benoit called me. I decided I was done, so I went and bought a gun and brought it back to my apartment. Then I just stared at it.”
She laughed, though she still wasn’t looking at me. “I freaked out. The phone rang, and I came here and took this job and…” She stopped talking. She just looked like a statue. “You—when I met Mal for dinner and realized the team he wanted me to help was a hockey team, I had so many feelings rushing through me, but I wanted it.”
She finally turned my way, that beautiful, haunted face finally looked at me. I saw the spark in her eyes. I saw the hunger.
“I wanted it so badly because I’d forgotten how much I loved hockey,” she said. “I’d loved it too, and they took it away from me.” Tears filled her eyes. “My brothers became these fucking NHL superstars, and I had to hide because I didn’t want anyone to know I was their sister. Fuck them. Fuck them. Mal offered me a chance to come back into this world, and I took it, and I don’t regret it. Not one fucking bit.”
Her eyes pled with me, as if asking for permission.
I reached for her hand. “You can feel however you want. They’ve taken enough from you.”
She squeezed my hand. “Daniel found out I’m here. I don’t know how, but that TikTok was him trying to scare me away.”
“I know.”
Her knuckles were white. “They conditioned me to believe I didn’t matter. I don’t know if they did it on purpose. I doubt it. It was just something they did. My dad didn’t want me, and my brothers followed suit.” She looked at me a moment. “You’re my brother’s enemy, but so am I. Daniel did that. He made me his enemy, and I never knew why. What was so wrong with me? Daniel saw me, hated me, and emotionally abused me. Dane just never saw me.”
She glanced my way. “I went into psychology to try to fix myself, but I couldn’t. I just thought—I thought I wasn’t worth anyone loving me.” She closed her eyes, and her head hung down. “I’ve carried that with me all this time—that I don’t matter, that something’s wrong with me, that no one will love me. I gave up. I accepted that I’d be alone for the rest of my life, but I was so lonely.” She shook her head. “I was lonely, and I was so tired of being alone, and there was no reason to keep going. There was no hope anymore. So I bought a gun.”
She turned away.
I didn’t have one fucking clue what to say or how to respond. Jesus Christ. What should I do? “Rai—”
“But there’s a name for how I grew up. A name.” She looked at me, her eyes shining and alive. “That means there are others like me. They’ve been researched and identified. There are enough of us to make an identifiable list of our qualities, our characteristics. I’d accepted that I was alone.” Her voice rose, but it shook. “I thought I was the problem, and Mal gave me a name, a name I should’ve known, but I didn’t!”
“But you know now.”
She was breathing hard now and she nodded. “I was going to kill myself. I bought that gun. Sure, I freaked out, but I know what I would’ve done. Eventually I would’ve pulled the trigger. But Mal called. That call, coming here, coming back to hockey, meeting you—you saved my life. That call brought me to you. Brought me to another brother and maybe… It wouldn’t have been enough just to have hockey again. I needed you.”