Total pages in book: 148
Estimated words: 147734 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 739(@200wpm)___ 591(@250wpm)___ 492(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 147734 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 739(@200wpm)___ 591(@250wpm)___ 492(@300wpm)
Vaughn props himself on his elbows, and I can feel him watching me closely, but I refuse to look at him. That’s not going to help my case.
“What’s wrong…?” His question is cut off when I rush out of the room, putting on the shorts on the way.
“Yulian?” His unsure question trails behind me, but I’m already running out.
I do something I should’ve done four years ago.
I abandon him before he abandons me.
19
VAUGHN
I’ve realized with staggering disappointment that I don’t have friends.
Well, I do. I’ve always confided in Jeremy and even Nikolai despite our being worlds apart personality-wise. Killian and Gareth have been close to me all my life as well. There’s also Lidya, who’s been my friend since I was born.
But what I realized is that I would never talk to them about Yulian.
Or what happens with Yulian.
Or anything fucking Yulian.
I’d never talk out loud about sucking his cock and coming in his mouth.
That type of talk.
It’s a me problem, not my friends’.
I just can’t bring myself to even voice the rampant thoughts running through my head.
It’s been a week, and I’m burning—fucking suffocating at the memory of that night. It’s so fresh in my mind, as if it only happened yesterday.
I can almost taste him on my lips, my tongue, and all the way to my goddamn insides.
But no, I can’t just pick up the phone and call Jeremy or interrupt Lidya’s vigorous training for some upcoming championship just to…what? Vent? Like a fucking teen?
I didn’t even have that teenage phase. I’ve been a full-blown grown-up ever since I was thirteen or so, and I refuse to roll back in time at this stage of my life.
However, ever since I had lunch with Lidya the other day and felt the words get stuck in my throat, I’ve been wondering why I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. We’ve been close our whole lives, and while she might be surprised, she wouldn’t judge me.
Neither would Jeremy, and especially not Niko, Kill, and Gareth.
So as I was staring at my cousin, listening to all the progress she’s made in training and the minor wrist injury she’s dealing with, I thought maybe I was ashamed.
Maybe I’m embarrassed by my inexplicable fiery reaction to a man who could get me and himself killed. It’s not a matter of if, but when. Yulian is too untamed and couldn’t care less about the social code in our world, and that will get him in trouble sooner or later.
Maybe I’m self-conscious for not being able to control myself, or the impulse, or the actions I take when he’s around.
I’m certainly appalled that I can’t recognize myself when I’m with him, that I seem to transform into this entirely different person who matches that prick’s unhinged energy.
And I don’t like this new version of me or the incomprehensible chaos that comes with it or the damning reality that I can’t prevent it from taking over.
So I don’t understand why I’ve been traveling and showing up in his space, just so I can feel that way in his company, even if it’s only for a short period of time.
Half a day—no, an hour.
Sometimes, a few minutes are enough.
But that doesn’t eradicate the sense of shame.
It’s not that I’m ashamed of my attraction to Yulian.
I think I’ve had it for longer than I can remember or admit. But I suppose I’m ashamed of what that means.
The twist in my sexuality. The deviation from the picture-perfect life I traced for myself.
The fucking complication.
The reality I refused to confront for such a long time is slithering from its dormant habitat and exploding in my face.
And I don’t know how to deal with it—this new…sexual orientation.
The only person I know who’s had a similar experience is Niko, but he’s been out for such a long time, and I can’t tell him shit, because he’s bad with secrets, and my fragile sexuality might accidentally slip.
That would fucking end me. My parents. Everything they’ve worked for.
Yes, Nikolai also comes from the mafia, but it’s different for him. His parents are leaders, but his dad isn’t at the top, and he wasn’t groomed to be the future Pakhan, so he has more leeway.
But even then, he can’t act as flamboyant in front of the older members.
Aside from Niko, there’s also my uncles, but I’m not sure how to broach the subject with them, and I seriously don’t want them to find out and subsequently tell Mom.
So in a way, this sexual confusion comes with extreme limiting conditions, and it’s been driving me fucking insane.
Add the fact that Yulian has gone radio silent since the day he stormed out of the hotel suite, and I’m on the edge.
I’ve been filling my days with distraction—shooting, joining operations, working out, studying, sitting through meetings—anything to make sure I don’t have a second of free time. But when night comes, it all caves in. I lie awake, tossing and turning, then end up scrolling through his old texts, watching his stupid videos on repeat.