Total pages in book: 97
Estimated words: 94624 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 473(@200wpm)___ 378(@250wpm)___ 315(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 94624 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 473(@200wpm)___ 378(@250wpm)___ 315(@300wpm)
“And I know I’m older than him, and maybe you think five years is too much and––”
“I don’t think that,” I assured him.
He nodded. “Then… maybe treat me like I’m gonna be around, all right?”
“I will,” I agreed, taking a breath of my own. “Shall we see if he’s up there?”
“Yeah,” he said gruffly.
Walking down the hall I reached Kola’s door, opened it, and found him spread out on his bed, face down, like he’d just collapsed there.
“Love?” I said softly.
I heard the sob then and rushed across the room to the side of his bed. When he rolled his head to me, I saw how red and raw his eyes looked. There were dark bags under them that I’d noted earlier, and when he spoke, he sounded nasally.
“I have to break up with Finn.”
I glanced over at my son’s boyfriend, who was bracing himself on the frame. I mouthed the words, “Close the door.”
He exhaled slowly but did as I asked, sealing my son and me in the room alone.
“Why’s that?” I asked, using my fingers to brush the tears from his cheeks.
“This is gonna be my first year of medical school and people say this is the easy one but already, this fast, it’s kicking my ass and I can’t—I’m not giving Finn what he needs.”
“How so?”
“I mean, I come home and—I love Jake, I love Harper, but if they’re loud I can’t…and that’s not fair to them because they miss me, and I miss them, but I just can’t hang out or play a game or watch a movie. Everything’s different now.”
“It won’t last forever.”
“I know,” he replied shakily. “And they get it, and when I come up for air, they’ll be there. I’m not worried about that.”
I needed to get my child some tissue and have him wipe his eyes and blow his nose. He looked like he’d been in bed crying for some time. “What are you worried about?”
“Finn,” he answered, and the crack in his voice nearly killed me. “I’m not being good to him. I’m just taking and not giving anything back.”
“How so?”
“He’s the one bringing me dinner and not going to football games or the movies or out with his friends. He’s just watching TV while I sleep.”
“Perhaps he likes that.”
“It’s not fair. He’s young, he needs a life.”
“And you’re not young?”
“Pa,” he whispered, pleading, “please don’t with that.”
I coughed softly. “So you think the right thing to do is to break up with him?”
He nodded, rubbing at his eyes. “I just think he should be out there, living his life, having fun, not stuck with a guy who can’t do anything but study.”
“That makes sense.”
His gaze was on me, and I saw the heartbreak in his welling eyes. “I have to let him go and hope that he doesn’t find the love of his life while I’m becoming a doctor.”
I nodded.
“And I know what you’re thinking.”
“I doubt that,” I soothed him.
“You’re gonna say, is being a doctor so important to lose the guy I want more than anyone?”
I sat there and waited while he swallowed down tears.
“And no, and yes. Because if I can’t be a doctor, then I’ll be worthless to him anyway.”
Pushing his hair back from his forehead, I smoothed my thumb over his eyebrow like I did when he was little.
“I’m being so selfish,” he choked out. “I want to be a doctor and I want Finn.”
“And you can’t have both?”
“Were you listening to me?”
“Have you talked to Finn about this, or are you just deciding for him?”
“I keep trying, but he doesn’t let me. He just feeds me or holds me tighter or kisses me or…and I know he loves me too, but he can find someone else to love who will treat him like he should be.”
“What about you? Will you find someone else?”
A sob came up out of his chest then, and he rolled his face into the pillow and I heard his heart break wide open.
Getting up, I went to his desk on the other side of the room where there was a box of tissue, because I kept them in each of my kids’ rooms, even though they no longer lived in the house. It needed to be there for times like this. Carrying the box with me, I retook my seat and rubbed his back.
“Sit up before you drown in tears and snot.”
After a moment he got out the word “nice,” sounding all sarcastic and grouchy, which I liked. Grabbing the wastebasket from beside the bed, I waited, as I had all his life, as he took several halting breaths before nose blowing and eye wiping commenced. Once he could take in unobstructed air again, he lay back down on the pillow I’d flipped over.
“You realize you’re overly tired, which is not the best time to make life-altering decisions,” I pointed out.