Total pages in book: 94
Estimated words: 87771 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 439(@200wpm)___ 351(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87771 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 439(@200wpm)___ 351(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
“That was okay, right? I figured you might not have wanted to be on TV.”
“No, you’re right. You know me well.” His smile radiated almost as brightly as the silver chain glinting around his neck. He looked good today—as he did every day—in a dark blue Patagonia coat that helped bring out the colors in his eyes. “Want to sit?” He pointed at a bench that had just been abandoned by an exhausted set of parents, their little girl asking if she could put her skates on and go on the ice again.
“Yeah, my feet hurt. I think I’d rather serve hot chocolate out on the ice. These Nikes aren’t doing it for me.”
“Maybe I can give you a foot massage later.”
“That’d be nice,” I said, already getting excited at the thought.
We sat down on the bench, keeping a small bit of space between us. “I couldn’t stop looking at you this morning,” I admitted to Gabe. “I think Dyl noticed.”
“He barely notices the nose on his own head, but he notices that, of course.”
“Are you upset?”
Gabe shook his head. “No, no, not at all. I’ve been meaning to tell the pack.”
“You have?”
“Of course. They know everything about me; they need to know about us next.”
That softened some of the worry that pricked at my heart. Still, though, it wasn’t a complete kicking down of the closet door. Events like these would always need to have us be separate, no one knowing about the true connection Gabe and I shared.
That fucking sucked.
“Well, Dyl shouldn’t act surprised when you say something.”
“Watch him drop to the floor. He loves his dramatics. I think it’s from all the Broadway he loves to watch.”
I chuckled at Gabe’s joke. A feeling of lightness filled me, like I was a couple of seconds of floating up and away into the cloudless blue winter sky. It was all because of Gabe.
And it had lowered my guard, heightened my expectations.
Maybe we didn’t have to be all that undercover?
I decided to test it. I reached out and put a hand on Gabe’s. A simple moment of touch. Something comforting and warm.
He tensed. Shifted. Moved his hand away.
His eyes flitted up the hill, to the cameras currently pointed at our teammate’s face.
POP!
That bubble we’d been floating in finally found a sharp object.
I swallowed down the hurt. Gabe looked apologetic. He was saying sorry, but I couldn’t hear him past another voice in my head. A louder one.
Nah, I’m not holding your hand or kissing you until I feel good about it.
That had been Ben. He’d used my craving for touch and connection as a way to punish me for mistakes he perceived me to be making. Did I forget to take the trash out? Cold shoulder. Did I leave the laundry in the dryer for too long? He’d give me his cheek if I went in to kiss him. They were small things that all accumulated into a form of psychological abuse that took a deep toll on my psyche.
And the scars of it throbbed with Gabe’s rejection.
My chest grew tight.
Relax. I’ve got this. I’ve got this.
But I didn’t. Reality was that I didn’t have it. I was losing it. This pressure, this constant need of having to be aware and not being able to even graze Gabe’s hand in order to avoid any suspicions… fucking fuck. This sucked.
This was too much.
“Are you okay?” Gabe asked.
Three words that coalesced into a wrecking ball, breaking down the dam that held back my emotions. I could feel myself spiraling. I dropped my head into my hands. “No, Gabe, no. Fuck.”
Then the flood came.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Breaking News
GABE
Something in Eli snapped.
I could almost sense it. Like whatever it was that broke sent out invisible shock waves, rattling my ribs.
That, in turn, broke me.
“I can’t be kept a secret, Gabe. I just can’t.” His leg bounced up and down. He rubbed the back of his neck, already pink with the chill in the air. “I went through a four-year relationship, and I was let down at the end. I can’t be let down at the start this time.”
His words hit me hard. And only because they were so damn true. Elijah had been through it with his last relationship. He’d opened up to me about what happened between him and his ex, but I knew that was likely only skimming the surface of the fucked-up shit he’d been through.
I didn’t interrupt him, though. He wasn’t looking at me any longer. He had his gaze straight ahead, pinned on the shimmering lake. We were off to the side of the main event, the bench sitting on a path that led down toward the shore. We could hear the laughter of the kids and smell the sugary hot chocolate but were otherwise alone here.
“I’d be a dumbass. I would. And as much as I consider myself one sometimes, I don’t want to be one. I want to change. I want to be happy. Safe. Not uncertain about a touch or a look or a comment. I don’t want to live like that, Gabe. And I understand your reasoning, I do, but it almost makes it seem even more impossible.”