Total pages in book: 74
Estimated words: 70928 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 355(@200wpm)___ 284(@250wpm)___ 236(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 70928 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 355(@200wpm)___ 284(@250wpm)___ 236(@300wpm)
“I suffer from thanatophobia.” Her voice sounds unbelievably fragile, and it takes a brutal swing at my heart. “It’s a phobia of death.” Her tongue darts out to wet her lips. “It’s not that I’m afraid of dying.” She lifts a hand to her chest and presses her palm over the spot where her heart is. “I’m afraid of losing someone I love and being left all alone.” She lowers her head even more and whispers, “I’m afraid of surviving when everything that matters to me is gone.”
I stand still and remain silent, so she’ll continue to talk.
“The thoughts…” Her voice grows hoarse, her face way too fucking pale. “They rip my mind apart, and the anxiety and fear become unbearable.” Her words falter, and when sobs make it difficult for her to speak, I can’t stand still any longer.
As I kneel by her legs, she covers her face with her hands and groans, “I keep seeing the blood.”
“Princess,” I murmur while brushing my palms up and down her arms.
“I’m weak and broken,” she cries. “I keep seeing you die, and it’s destroying me over and over. That’s why I broke up with you. I thought if I didn’t see you every day, I’d stop loving you and things would get easier.”
She lifts her head, the terrified look in her eyes making my body tense as if I’m getting ready for the fight of my life.
“I can’t watch you go to work every day. I can’t sit and wait for the call. It already destroyed me once.” She sucks in a quivering breath, her panic raw and heartbreaking. “Every single day, I’m tormented by the memory of you being shot. You died, and it killed me.”
Not understanding, I shake my head. “I’m here, baby.”
“You died!” she cries while flinging herself against me. My arms lock around her, and as she grips my neck tightly, she whimpers, “I saw the white sheet over your body and your bloody jacket on the floor. You died, and it shattered my mind.”
Christ. Is she talking about when I got shot on the day we were supposed to celebrate our engagement?
I’ve always known death is part of the deal, but not once did I consider what effect it would have on Sienna.
I’d lose my fucking mind if she died, so I can understand some of what she’s going through.
She grips me tighter. “It’s only a matter of time before I lose you again.” Her breathing becomes ragged. “The fear…you died…you died, Christiano.”
“I’m here.” I pull back and frame her face with my hands. “I’m right here. Look at me.” When her eyes focus on my face, I say, “I survived, Sienna.”
“I can’t lose you again,” she whimpers. “It hurt so much when you were dead.”
“Oh, baby.” I press kisses all over her face. “I’m so fucking sorry you went through that. If I had known, I would’ve had them bring you to me while I was in surgery.”
I didn’t know any of this.
She takes another quivering breath, and her tone sounds haunting. “You got shot because of me. I just stood there.”
I swipe my thumbs over her cheeks and shake my head, but she continues, “I’m too weak for a man like you. That’s why I didn’t want to marry you.”
Sienna pulls back, and as a heartbreaking sob escapes, she takes another tablet from the box. Her hand trembles severely as she puts it in her mouth.
I rub my palms up and down her thighs while I patiently wait for her to gather herself.
Watching her take deep breaths, her eyes closed while crippling emotions play out over her face, tells me how much she’s suffered fighting this on her own.
“I love you, Sienna.”
Her eyes pop open, and when I see the doubt, I let the immensity of my feelings for her show on my face so she can see how devoted I am to her.
“You’re not broken, baby. You thought I died, and that kind of pain would make me lose my mind as well.” I move onto my knees. “Every day I had to live without you was pure fucking hell, and you were alive, so I can only imagine how excruciating it must’ve been for you when you believed I was dead. I would’ve lost my mind as well.”
“But it makes me weak, and you need a strong woman to stand beside you.” She picks up one of the boxes and throws the medication against the closet door. “I have to see a psychiatrist every two weeks and take medicine just to get through a normal day. Can you imagine what will happen when things get hard? Instead of being there to support you, I’ll probably end up in the hospital. You deserve so much better.”
When she begins to spiral again, I grip the sides of her head and force her to look at me. “Sienna, I want you. Things have been fucking hard the past month, and you were there for me. Getting to hold you is the only support I want. Being with you gives me peace and calm from the pressure.” My tone softens as I continue, “I love you as you are. I need you to be the sensitive one who balances out my brutal side. I need to come home to your beauty after facing the ugly in our world. Christ, Sienna, I need you.” With desperation lacing the words, I can’t keep a tear from escaping. “Only you ease the darkness in me. No one else.”