Total pages in book: 103
Estimated words: 96970 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 485(@200wpm)___ 388(@250wpm)___ 323(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 96970 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 485(@200wpm)___ 388(@250wpm)___ 323(@300wpm)
“Since the night of Mattie’s wedding,” I said quickly. “Since Spokane. And I was going to tell you immediately, but you—”
He closed his eyes and rocked back on his feet. “How did you find out?”
I hesitated. Somehow, despite spending thirty hours overthinking this, I hadn’t considered this part. Did I admit to him that I’d hired an investigator to find my long-lost love while I was already hooking up with Alex, or did I tell him—
“You have two seconds to tell me the fucking truth,” he hissed. “Or I am out of here.”
“Please come in,” I urged gently. “We can talk about it.”
Alex shook his head. “That would be a mistake. Just answer me.”
“I… I hired someone. An investigator. To look for you. I mean, DrunkenPoet. But then…” I stopped. Keep it simple, stupid. “He told me the same IP address used in DrunkenPoet’s posts was being used at Alexander Vineyards. And that the only person who’d lived there during that time who also got an Incident Command certification was you. Alexander Marian.”
His face fell. “You came back from that trip and had sex with me without saying a word.”
Made love to you, I wanted to bark. But I kept myself calm and regulated for fear of making him bolt.
“I wanted to tell you,” I began. “I tried to tell you, but you—”
“Me?” he snapped. “Are you seriously getting ready to tell me I was the reason you didn’t tell me that my dead lover was alive and oh by the way his cock was already inside of me?” His voice had gone ragged until he was croaking out the last part. Tears fell down his face, and I tried reaching for him again.
He pulled away and took a big step back. “No,” he said, swiping angrily at his face. “Do not touch me. Because I can’t… I… Just don’t.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t even know where to start.”
“Start by telling me what happened! I thought you were dead! I thought… I thought only death would make you leave me like that. Without a word. Without a single fucking sign.”
Alex’s arms folded over his chest, his fists tucked into his armpits.
I clenched my own hands into fists to keep from reaching for him again. “Baby, please—”
“Do not call me baby!” he wailed. “Please do not act like you care about me when you let me mourn your fucking death for four fucking years.” Tears spilled down his face and dripped off his chin as he swiped at his nose. “I waited for you, for any word. And then I searched desperately for anything that might explain it. And I learned about the mortar strike in Iraq. Was that it?”
I nodded.
“And were you hurt?”
I nodded again. “Bad concussion. Head injury. They kept me under for a long time, and then I was out of it for a while after that, Alex. For months. I’d been transported to another country. No cell phone or computer. No access to anything. They contacted my next of kin, which is my friend Max in Philly. He… he didn’t know about you.”
Alex winced like that was yet another blow. “I guess I wasn’t that important.”
He was tearing my heart into shreds. “You were! You are. When I got back, I was desperate to find you. But you told me your family had a farm! I had no idea what part of California or what kind of farm. Alex, I told Max all about you, once I got home. I hired an investigator, for fuck’s sake—”
“After you were dating someone else.”
I stared at him, unsure whether he was mad at me for cheating on him with him, or what. “I… I don’t know what to say right now to make this right,” I confessed. “Please tell me what to say to make this right.”
“Do you have any idea how long I waited for you? It took me months of therapy before I agreed to delete my message board accounts. Nearly a year of it before I could consider moving on and doing something meaningful with my life. And even then, even then, I saved myself for you. It took two more years before I could wrap my head around having sex with someone who wasn’t you. And now here you are, fucking me while carrying around the knowledge that the man I thought was dead was alive this whole time!”
Alex clenched his jaw, sucked in a breath through his nose, and dropped the next words like a killing blow. “And lying to my face while telling me you gave a single shit about me.”
The emotional storm settled low in my gut like a lead weight. This wasn’t a catharsis meant to help him move past the painful past and into a new future together. No… this was… this was starting to sound like the end.