Total pages in book: 112
Estimated words: 103754 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 519(@200wpm)___ 415(@250wpm)___ 346(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 103754 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 519(@200wpm)___ 415(@250wpm)___ 346(@300wpm)
I haven’t eaten more than a few cheese cubes and some salami from the board she left behind, which means I’m not thinking clearly. Since my assumption of waiting until her return for us to eat together was way off base, I need to get food in my stomach and Sosie off my mind, or I’ll never get this section of the paper done as I planned today.
Grabbing my winter boots from the closet, I stick my feet in and wrap up for trekking outside.
I tuck my phone in one pocket. Sosie probably needs her phone like I need mine. I’m not convinced that she would leave it on purpose, especially since she texted me. I should return it, even if she intends to come over later. Wishful thinking again . . .
Crossing the room to retrieve her phone, I swipe it up, noticing the empty space under the tree where presents should be. I should have bought my own damn self a present. But bills are more important than unwrapping something I’d be buying to convince myself that someone cared.
When there’s no one left, it falls on my shoulders like it always has. I can be bitter about life or accept that this is how it is. No matter what happened in my childhood, I’m only who I am because of the life I’ve lived. So, be better than what’s expected. Focus on the person I want to be. That’s why I’m doing this—the jobs, the school, the life I’m struggling through. The outcome will outweigh the pain along the way.
And yeah, I need to see my mom. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Pop by to say hi and do a quick check-in. It will mean a lot to her, but it seems my soul is empty and needs filling. Maybe she can help with that.
Looking around the room, I don’t find anything I can take from here that would fill in for a gift. Is a visit enough if I show up empty-handed? It will have to do unless I can find a shop open on the way to her place.
I hit the streets, surprised to see anyone out today, though there aren’t many. I like the solace of the darkness and winter. The holiday keeps the hordes off the streets, giving me plenty of room in my mind to wander without bumping into reality.
Dipping into a corner shop, I pull a small bouquet of pink flowers, my mom’s favorite color, from a bucket at the entry. I then wander down the two aisles to see if there’s anything else I can take her. I don’t see anything until I approach the counter where a box of holiday chocolates is waiting to be purchased as a last-minute gift. They found their sucker to buy it.
“The flowers and the candy?” the man behind the counter asks.
I glance behind him at the acrylic boxes on display, and reply, “Two tickets, and . . .” I didn’t crave nicotine when I was with Sosie last night. Trading one bad habit for another? Probably. I chuckle under my breath as I reach for my wallet, knowing I came out ahead in that deal. Maybe not today since waiting around was a bunch of bullshit, but last night was fucking fantastic. I’d do it again if I had the opportunity. “A pack of the smokes on sale and this lighter.”
Lighting up as soon as I step onto the sidewalk, I stop to appreciate the instant calm the first inhale brings. I exhale slowly with a dip of my lids closing to extend the pleasure before heading toward the nearest station and catching the subway.
There are plenty of seats tonight, so I lean up against the corner of the train. Nobody makes eye contact, but after a sweep of my surroundings, I stare at the flowers. I don’t know what I’m going to say to my mom and don’t want to rehearse anything. It’s my mom. Even if she didn’t always know how to tell me or show me, I know she loves me. This doesn’t need to be a big deal. I’ll go, give her a hug, and then head on out to Sosie’s.
But is visiting my mom killing time before going to Sosie’s, or is it genuine? I want to see my mom again, and an inkling of hope that this time will be different still exists deep inside me.
And since trepidation has been squeezing my chest, volleying me between fear that last night is all I’ll get and the agitation that I want more and that might not happen, this will give me time to work through it. So yeah, I give myself a break as I walk into the unknown of two different situations, relying on hope in both cases.