Total pages in book: 100
Estimated words: 97364 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 487(@200wpm)___ 389(@250wpm)___ 325(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97364 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 487(@200wpm)___ 389(@250wpm)___ 325(@300wpm)
“But I pulled the trigger.”
Click.
I nod. “My father said when he found my mom there was so much blood. Her head was just—” Fuck, this is still so raw. “I imagine it was very much like how I found my father after he—”
“I’m sorry.”
I shake my head. “I never really understood why my dad did it. He had me. He had something. You shattered my whole fucking world when you pulled the trigger.”
“Theo …” She hugs me tighter, her body shaking in silent sobs.
“I knew what made a person want to kill another. I lived and breathed that hatred every day. But I never could understand the amount of self-loathing that brought someone to take their own life. Until …”
Scarlet releases a strangled sob. I squeeze her hands and press them firm to my chest.
“Until Daniel told me you were dying.”
*
Scarlet
Love is a brutal emotion. That’s how I’m certain, beyond a shadow of doubt, it’s our sole purpose in life. Love is the heartbeat of our existence—the essence of humanity. In every life we try to do it better.
Harder.
Longer.
More completely.
Unconditionally.
Love is maddening. It robs all reason and leaves us drowning in desperation and fear. Desperate to hold on to everything that makes each breath worth taking. Fearful that the very air that fills our lungs is that love. One cannot live without air. Can one live without love?
The reason there is such a fine line between love and hate is because both require a deep emotional investment. Both emotions make us feel very deeply.
Theo loved me.
Theo hated me.
I will accept both his love and hate, as long as he never stops feeling so deeply for me.
“I didn’t pull the trigger because I wanted to die. I pulled it because I was no longer afraid of not living.”
Releasing my hands, he turns toward me. I’ve never seen so many unspoken questions in his eyes.
Fear. Regret. Love. It’s all there in a chaos of emotion that makes me love him that much more.
“And yesterday?” He cradles my face, erasing my tears with the pads of his thumbs. “No more lies.”
I’m not sure if I’m more afraid to admit the truth to Theo … or myself. The truth is in the tears that continue to slide down my face. “Yesterday … I wanted to die.”
There are two options: I can be fearless and steadfast in everything I do. I can wear the illusion of a strong, independent woman like a merit badge, priding myself on being the woman whom all women should strive to be. Or … I can love Theo. Navigating a minefield with my unprotected heart.
For thirty-one years, I was strong and independent. Oscar built me up. He gave me a suit of armor and told me to conquer the world. I did. I owned it. Now? I want my greatest strength to be letting go of control. Giving my heart to another. That takes courage and fearlessness.
“Truth.” I fight to give him even a hint of a sad smile. I am only weak if I can’t admit my imperfections.
Theo’s posture is stiff, jaw clenched, eyes glassy. “Why?” He shakes his head.
“There were just…” my unfocused gaze slips to his chest “…too many emotions—all at once. Life and death. Love and loss. Anger and regret. Too much to feel. I just…” I shrug “…broke. And in a blink, all feeling disappeared. It was like finding sleep after a lifetime of insomnia.” My eyes shift to his again. “The only thing I truly felt was the arms of death. Weightless. Peaceful. Silent. Perfect.”
He swallows over and over, maybe searching for the words to say or the strength to say them. I’m not sure they exist. Theo struggled with loving me and hating me. He wanted to take a life. I wanted to let one go. It’s a million ways of fucked-up. There’s no explaining that.
“You…” he tightens his grip on my face as he presses his forehead to mine “…are mine now. I build you. I give you life. I make you perfect again.”
“You are the law,” I whisper with a smile growing along my face. It feels good. Feeling feels good.
He smirks. “Damn right.” His lips make a firm claim to mine.
His hands slide down my neck, pausing with his thumb pressed to the side of it. My heart constricts. He’s feeling my pulse. I’m counting breaths … Theo’s counting heartbeats.
I moan when his tongue plunges deeper into my mouth while his hands move over my breasts, continuing on to my jeans. He fumbles, tugging hard at my button, his moves growing impatient. I push his hands away and unfasten them before he rips them apart.
He growls and squats in front of me.
“I’ll get—”
He cuts me off with a firm look. Shoving my hands out of the way, he yanks down my jeans and knickers like he’s bloody pissed off that I’m even wearing them. One shoe gets pulled off, then the other. I grab the edge of the box behind me to steady myself as he tugs my jeans and knickers the rest of the way off.