Total pages in book: 100
Estimated words: 97364 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 487(@200wpm)___ 389(@250wpm)___ 325(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97364 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 487(@200wpm)___ 389(@250wpm)___ 325(@300wpm)
I brush my thumbs along his cheeks. “Daniel, I won’t be responsible for your missed opportunity. Do this for me. It’s my dying wish.”
“Jesus Christ, Scarlet…” his voice breaks “…I’m not leaving you to die alone.”
“If you don’t leave … I will.” It’s cruel, I know it, but I hope someday he will not see this as me being selfish. I hope he will see this as exactly what it’s meant to be—my love for him, a quick break instead of a long suffering for both of us. I hope by the time I’m dead, he will have already grieved my loss and found his footing in life again with a brilliant career.
He collapses to his knees and hugs my waist. I run my hands through his hair, memorizing how it feels against my skin. Touch. I will miss his touch.
“Fuck you, Scarlet Stone. Fuck you for taking my heart. Fuck you for … for …” he sobs.
“Fuck me for dying,” I whisper as I fall to my knees and hug him.
I. Really. Fucking. Hate. This. Life.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
My name is Scarlet Stone and my first concert was Rod Stewart. In the front row, where the sweat dripped from the sexiest man alive and the roar of the crowd shook the stadium, I vowed to one day marry a rock star.
Salmon make the long and grueling journey up their natal river to spawn once and die where their life began. No one tells them to do it. They have this instinct that drives them.
Nolan can’t explain how he senses things that no one else can. He just does. I can’t explain why I chose to leave London and return to my place of birth to die. I did it on instinct. Maybe this is where my circle of life ends. All I know for sure is I want to know why. Not why do I have cancer. Why am I here? What is the purpose of life? Did I do what I was placed on this earth to do?
Nolan stops the car in my drive. “My father is a terrible husband, and I’m not sure he has that many redeemable qualities in general. But … she loves him. He will never change. I could take him away from her. I could give him exactly what he deserves, but losing him would be the final straw, and … I think she’s barely hanging on. One day she’s going to remember what happened and that will obliterate her whole world.”
I shake my head. “I don’t understand.”
Nolan’s hand rests on mine over the console. “You don’t have to. I just needed to say the words aloud to remind myself why I let this go on. Have you ever had this desperate need to say what’s been going through your mind for years and it didn’t even matter if anyone else understood?”
Yes. I don’t understand a word he said about his parents, but his need to say it connects with me on a very personal level.
“Scarlet?” he calls before I close the car door. “I think you should see a doctor. It’s time.”
I smile. “Thank you for lunch.”
*
I haven’t spoken the word cancer aloud since I’ve been here. Yimin has been treating my body for something that he may or may not know exists. The word-filled pages of books written by spiritual teachers have made my reality emotionally manageable.
Shit happens.
All we have is now.
Better give thanks.
I don’t know if I drank too much or if the summer I spent with a Frenchman, who convinced me to smoke with him, had some monumental impact on where I am right now. Maybe random sex wasn’t the best form of recreation in my late teens. An STD sat in the back of my mind during my recklessness, but never cancer. Maybe in this toxic world my body burden hit a tipping point and my wake-up call came a little too late. But it all comes down to this: does it matter?
All I have is now, and I will take every single now I’m given.
As soon as I open the back door, I hear a voice—someone singing. I creep up the stairs, not wanting to make a noise, fearful the voice will disappear. That would be tragic because I could listen to this voice—his voice—forever.
I stop at the top step. Theo has nailed down some sort of underlayment for the tile. I don’t know if I’m allowed to step on it, so I sit on the top step and listen to him. He’s on his hands and knees with his back to me, several feet away, earbuds in his ears, and he’s singing a song I have never heard before.
My name is Scarlet Stone and my first concert was Rod Stewart. In the front row, where the sweat dripped from the sexiest man alive and the roar of the crowd shook the stadium, I vowed to one day marry a rock star.