Total pages in book: 67
Estimated words: 62994 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 315(@200wpm)___ 252(@250wpm)___ 210(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 62994 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 315(@200wpm)___ 252(@250wpm)___ 210(@300wpm)
“Hi, sweetheart,” I say to Anya, smoothing her hair. “Do you want to finish your princess book today?”
She nods once and hands it to me. For a few hours, I don’t think about Samuil. I put our argument out of my mind and don’t drive myself crazy thinking about the implications for my future. I don’t think about the baby inside me, who deserves a safe, peaceful world, one I’m no longer sure I can give them.
I just focus on Anya. I notice the little way she hums when she concentrates. I pay attention to the joyful pride in her eyes when she does something she deems correct. I memorize the way she cues me that she wants to move on to another activity or that she needs a minute before a transition.
When Davýd comes to get her, she clings to my sleeve before she goes. It’s not a hug, exactly, but it’s as close as she’s capable of right now. I wave goodbye to them both and shut the door softly behind them. I lean against it and stare at the vacant apartment, feeling just as empty.
Later, after tidying up the crayons and putting her worksheets back in a folder, I wander into my room and see the unopened package sitting on my dresser. I ordered it the day Samuil and I opened up to each other. That day, I could actually see a future with him. I started planning the nursery and ordering things to fill it.
I open the box with shaky hands. Inside is a beautiful woven tapestry of baby animals curled into their mothers’ arms. It was a promise to myself and my child. As long as I’m around, he or she will always have a safe space. I’m still trying to fulfill that promise.
I run my fingertips over the smooth edges and swallow the tightness in my chest. I roll the tapestry back up and slip it back into the box before going to the kitchen to make dinner. I decide on something simple, just a sandwich and some fruit. I eat standing at the counter because it feels less depressing than sitting alone at the table.
When I finish, I make another sandwich and leave it on a plate in the refrigerator. I do it without thinking, out of habit. I have no idea when he’ll come home or if he even wants to share a meal anymore, but I still set the food aside for him.
It’s stupid to miss him this much. He hurt me, and I doubt he’ll ever apologize for it. I know he isn’t going to fix it. He made it very clear where he stood, and I know he isn’t going to wake up tomorrow and change his mind. I should hate him, go scorched earth on him, but I just don’t have it in me.
I slump onto the couch and stare at the darkened TV screen until I can’t stand the quiet anymore. I grab my phone and hesitate before dialing Kelly. Our last call kind of imploded my relationship, but I know she was just looking out for me.
“There you are,” she answers. “You really freaked me out yesterday.”
“Sorry. It was just a lot of information to process,” I tell her, honestly. “I needed some time to figure out how to handle what I read.”
“I’m here for whatever you need,” she says gently. “Do you need a place to stay? My apartment is small, but you’re always welcome to the couch.”
“No, I’m okay,” I say, even though I have to wipe away tears at the offer. “I just wanted you to know that I’m safe and that I took your warning to heart.”
“Oh, sweetie,” she coos. “You sound miserable. You really liked him, didn’t you? God, I feel like such a bitch. I didn’t tell you any of that to hurt you.”
“I know.” I nod, even though I know she can’t see me. “I was being stupid and I needed someone to tell me that. I’m glad it was you.”
“You aren’t stupid for falling for someone charming,” she says, gentle now. “We’ve all been there, Molly. I mean, not exactly there. I’ve never dated a mob boss before, but I’ve definitely had my fair share of bad dick. Men are the worst!”
“They are.” I can’t help but laugh.
We talk for a little while longer, about nothing in particular. It just feels good to talk to someone who’s connected to my old life. Part of me wonders if I’m ever going to see Kelly again. If I have to suddenly disappear into the night, probably not, but I try not to think about that.
When we hang up, I can’t help but open my camera roll and start swiping through. A lot of my photos are just screenshots of funny memes and images I’ve seen online. I also have a few saved images of lesson ideas for nonverbal children. Once I get past those, though, I see pictures of nursery palettes I’d been considering. There are a handful of pictures of Samuil and me that nearly rip my heart out. There’s a photo of my first ultrasound.