Total pages in book: 83
Estimated words: 75891 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 379(@200wpm)___ 304(@250wpm)___ 253(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 75891 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 379(@200wpm)___ 304(@250wpm)___ 253(@300wpm)
For someone like me, someone who prides himself on being in control and always in top form, that night had scared me, she had scared me like nothing else ever had before. But how could I get her to understand when I can’t find the words myself?
“You don’t understand; it was more than that. What you’re describing is physical, logical; this is more visceral, this is something intangible that no amount of science can explain. I deal in numbers and logic. If you tell me about split atoms, I can get it with my eyes closed in a deep sleep, but this is something I can’t see and can never get my head around.”
“Listening to my brother and father’s accounts of their own handling of it was one thing; even seeing my brother in the throes of this madness didn’t prepare me for what it would do to me when the time came. I’ve dated other people; I’m sure you know. But none of them made me feel even a fraction of what I felt with you that night.”
“I knew what was happening, of course. I knew it the first time I ran from you; I just didn’t know how potent it was.” And how utterly terrifying I kept that part to myself lest I set her off again. She seemed to think it was all easily explained, but that’s just because she wasn’t the one going through it.
“Putting all of that aside, I guess the thing that’s standing in our way is the things I said to you that night. I have no excuse and won’t insult you with paltry excuses. The truth is, I behaved badly out of fear. It hadn’t been long since my last relationship ended the way they all do, because I don’t trust and barely like any of them since I was betrayed and almost cost my sister-in-law her life.”
My gut still tightened in dread at the memory of all that had happened back then. I’d thought that the legacy had bypassed me since I’d had relationships that didn’t suck my life’s blood, but instead I’d fallen into a viper’s trap. That had made me adamant about giving up on the opposite sex.
“That night, I wasn’t thinking about anything really. I’d put whatever I felt for you aside, seeing it as a fluke since I’d had other relationships by then. I didn’t know that it would only take one look in your eyes for that damn feeling to slam into me like a freight train and not let go.”
“I thought taking you to bed would get it out of my blood once and for all, and I could go on with my life, but afterward I realized I’d only made things worse. I felt closer to you than I’ve ever felt with anyone. I wanted to fucking inhale you that night, and it scared the shit outta me.”
“My mind was filled with ways to keep you by my side; I was ready to hold you hostage if it came to that. I couldn’t understand those feelings, couldn’t understand that bone-deep need to keep you by my side, so I lashed out and accused you of stalking me and making your way into my bed.”
Even now, the words tasted bitter on my tongue. I regretted them immediately back then, but what did that matter? The damage had already been done. I’ll never forget, for as long as I live, the look of deep hurt and despair I saw in those eyes that night after I tore into her. I’ve lived with that for the past few years.
I wrapped my arms even tighter around her and buried my face in her neck. “So, basically, you’re a demented asshole.”
JESSICA
Ididn’t know whether to laugh or cry. At first glance, his words sounded like bullshit, but the fact that I know he’s not a liar gave me pause. Then everything came full circle in my head. For the longest while, I’ve avoided thinking too much about that night. Just the mere thought of it makes me nauseous.
I’ve been running from it ever since it happened, my greatest wish being that I could go back and erase that one mistake in my life. Now he’s telling me that it was his cowardice that had made me suffer for so long.
The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. “What do you mean?” My voice didn’t sound like mine even to my own ears, and from the way he flinched, I’m guessing he picked up on it as well.
“Calm down, baby!” The eyes I turned on him were cold as ice. Should I tell him the hell I’ve been through because of the things he’d said to me that night? Should I open myself up to him that much? No, better not, not yet at least.