Total pages in book: 67
Estimated words: 63917 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 320(@200wpm)___ 256(@250wpm)___ 213(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 63917 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 320(@200wpm)___ 256(@250wpm)___ 213(@300wpm)
The words hang in the cold air between us, and for a long moment, neither of us moves.
When I finally look at him again, I’m shocked to see tears in his eyes.
Tears he’s clearly still fighting to control as he says in a rough voice, “You’re very wise, Holly Jo Hadley. And very special.” He swallows. “You really are. And so important. The world needs more people like you.”
“And what about you?” I whisper, my throat tight. “Do you need me? Is that why you’re here?”
The question hangs between us, naked and filled with longing.
He exhales a soft laugh as he drags the back of his hand across his cheek, smearing the wetness there. “I don’t know why I’m here, honestly. I thought I did, but then you took me to school. Or to church, maybe? I don’t know… You just… You’ve proven I’m not seeing things as clearly as I thought, and…” He blinks fast, looking so vulnerable and lost that a part of me wants to pull him in for a hug.
But my hug won’t help him get to where he needs to go.
That’s something Luke has to do by himself.
He draws in a breath, his hands clenching around his cup so hard I’m surprised it doesn’t crush it. “I clearly need to do some thinking. Some reflection.” He stands up abruptly, adding in a tight voice, “But bottom line, I’m sorry. I never should have behaved the way I did on Friday. You deserve so much better than that. You just… You deserve so much.”
Then, he walks away, down the alley and onto Main Street, his shoulders hunched against the cold and the weight of the things he carries.
He’s gone before I can remind him that I should be the one to decide what I deserve and when I’m ready to give up on someone.
Yes, Luke was an asshole. But he’s also been funny and sweet and smart and generous and compelling. He contains multitudes, as we all do. And at least he sees the need for change and seems to want to make it happen.
That’s a lot more than most men our age.
Hell, most people. Period.
I love people, I really do. And I usually see the best in them.
But, like I told Luke, I also see the truth. I see how most people get to their early twenties and get…stuck. Growth slows in the molasses swamp of everyday life, patterns are established, ways of thinking become ingrained, then stagnate, and making positive change gets harder and harder.
And maybe that’s natural. Maybe those patterns and routines are the reason most people don’t seem to wander around wondering what it’s all about as much as I do.
But Luke wonders and wanders; he always has.
Maybe that’s why he’s always felt like a member of my tribe and why, beneath my sadness and exhaustion, a tiny flame still burns.
It’s hope, there for me the way it has been for so long.
There’s still a chance Luke will figure this out before it’s too late. That he’ll look in the mirror and realize he’s worthy of love, even when he makes mistakes.
That he’ll decide he wants to know what love is and that I’m the girl to show him.
Humming an 80s song beneath my breath, I stand, wincing as my stiff legs protest the cold. The snow is falling more heavily now, thick flakes drifting down from the darkening sky, catching in my hair and on my eyelashes. I blink them away as I aim myself toward the edge of town.
I need to move, to walk off the emotional turmoil of the afternoon until I feel steadier in my skin.
Automatically, my feet head in the direction of my parents’ house, my lifelong refuge from the storm. There, I know Mom will make tea—the loose-leaf stuff that she saves for special occasions and emotional emergencies—Dad will give me a big hug, and neither of them will ask why I look like I’ve been crying until I’m ready to talk about it.
And if I don’t want to talk, that will be fine, too.
I really am a very lucky woman to have been raised surrounded by such selfless, patient, persistent love.
As I walk, my boots crunching on the thin layer of snow accumulating on the gravel on the shoulder of the road, I force my thoughts to brighter things.
To the perfect presents that I’ll wrap for my parents tomorrow.
To all the incredible pet portraits I took this year, and how my “year-end” social media montage will really be something this December 31st. To Candy and our plans to join the Silver Bell Falls seniors for their Disco ‘Til Dawn celebration on New Year’s Eve. I don’t know about the rest of the country, but old people in Vermont know how to party and have some serious stamina.