Total pages in book: 59
Estimated words: 53516 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 268(@200wpm)___ 214(@250wpm)___ 178(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 53516 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 268(@200wpm)___ 214(@250wpm)___ 178(@300wpm)
Ugh, I hate this. I decided to lose myself in a little bit of retail therapy, which was really a pathetic attempt that included two pairs of wool socks, new dancing lollipop pajama pants, and a negligee. For me, not for anyone else. That's what I told myself because it was the truth—mostly, anyway—and because I was only holding out a little bit of hope that things with Xavier would improve.
The smallest sliver of hope that existed was still too much as far as I was concerned, and it angered me that his bad behavior wasn't enough to banish him from my heart. I shouldn't have slept with him; I knew that now. I didn't regret it—how could I when it was so amazing? No, I would never regret losing my virginity or a piece of my heart to Xavier, but I wasn't as prepared for the feelings as I should have been.
It wasn't the sex that made me fall for him; it was those moments when he was unguarded and sweet, when he forgot to be a gruff and grumpy mountain man, when he'd stolen my heart. If he'd continued to be the grump, I could've handled it and protected my heart more effectively.
Damn him.
My phone buzzed and rang in my purse, and I dug it out just in case Xavier needed something for Violet or needed me. My help, I mean, not me.
It wasn't Xavier, though, but an unknown number I was pretty sure belonged to Jason, so I ignored it. Twice. He'd paid more attention to me over the past couple of months than he had throughout our entire relationship, which only meant that this deal was big and he couldn't cinch it on his own. That thought made me smile. For all the times Jason had made me feel worthless, ugly, and fat, he needed me more than he ever realized. I charmed the people that he insulted—accidentally or on purpose—and soothed the feathers he ruffled. I did it because I loved him, because I thought he loved me and that if I were better, thinner, prettier, he would love me more.
But he never loved me.
Never gave a damn about me.
And I absolutely refused to get myself into another situation like that ever again. I wouldn't give over my heart, my good sense and my body to Xavier, and I wouldn't run from Texas the way I ran from Florida.
This was my home now.
I come first. That thought buoyed me through a few hours of window shopping and bookstore browsing, and by the time lunch rolled around, I felt like a whole new Rosalee. I felt strong and resolved that whatever had been happening between me and Xavier, it was over now. It had no future anyway, whether he wanted a future with me or not.
And I was fine with that.
Totally fine.
But when I sat down at the diner on my own for a meal, without a baby to care for and no grumpy boss looming over me being sexy and mean and stupid, my resolve started to crumble.
"What'll it be, sugar?"
I smiled at the waitress, and in an effort to get myself centered again, I placed my order. "I'll have a Texas burger with the works, sweet potato fries and onion rings, plus a double chocolate milkshake." I smiled at her shocked expression. "And the tallest glass of ice water you've got."
The older woman flashed a wide grin. "Is that the secret to those curves? Because I could use a few of my own," she said and motioned to her rail-thin figure.
"The secret is a lifetime of watching what you eat and failing miserably at it."
"Well, honey, from where I'm standing, it looks like you failed up and into an hourglass figure. I'll be back with your water and milkshake."
Her words made me feel a little better, but the milkshake doubled that. I would probably never lose those last fifteen pounds, and I had to be okay with that. When that double chocolate milkshake hit my tongue, I was okay with it. I was more than okay with it. I was in heaven. Absolutely in heaven. It's almost better than being in Xavier's arms.
"Dammit." That one ill-timed thought and all my effort was for nothing. I was back to where I started, emotional turmoil town, which I thought I'd left in my rearview mirror.
Why was this so hard? It shouldn't be. It was just a few nights in his arms and in his bed. It was a purely physical relationship that was emotionally one-sided, and Xavier was a jerk more often than he wasn't. Oh no! Am I one of those women who only falls for toxic men? Does that mean I'm doomed to be miserable or alone? It was a sobering thought, even if my conscience tried to remind me that Xavier wasn't toxic—not really—he was just grouchy and emotionally stunted. He was never outright mean the way Jason had been; he just spent too much time alone.