Total pages in book: 81
Estimated words: 75650 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 378(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 75650 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 378(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
Maylak emerges, moving Esha gently aside. “Pashov. Are you well?” Worry crosses her face. “Does your head trouble you?”
“It does not hurt, but it does trouble me,” I tell her. “May we sit?”
“My tent is full.” Her smile is apologetic. “But there are endless amounts of snow we may sit in. Kashrem, watch Esha, please,” she calls into the tent and straightens, gesturing at the snow. “Shall we?”
I follow her a short distance away, to a rocky outcropping overlooking the valley below. It is peaceful here, the snow thick and a herd of dvisti staining the snow in the distance. I take a deep breath, inhaling the crisp air. Normally I enjoy the turn of the weather toward the brutal season, but now, with a mate and kit and no shelter, it fills me with a vague sense of dread. I glance at the healer, but her expression is as calm as ever.
“Tell me what is bothering you,” Maylak says, voice gentle. “Perhaps I can help.”
I extend my hands toward her so she can touch them and use her healing magic on my khui. “My memories. I need them back.”
Maylak looks startled, pausing before she takes my hands. She grips them a moment later and gives me a gentle squeeze. “I have done all I can for that, and your horn. Some things take time to heal, Pashov.”
“Try again,” I demand. When she frowns, I realize I am being unfair. “Please,” I ask her. “I want to remember my mate. My kit. I…there is nothing there when I think of them. I should at least remember something, should I not? The memories must be there. Can we just try to find them again?”
She must sense my desperation, because she gives my hands another squeeze. “You were very hurt when they pulled you from the cave,” she murmurs. “Your brain was very damaged. It took everything your khui had—and mine—to keep you alive. I am pleased that all that happened to you was memory loss, Pashov. Do you realize how close you came to dying?”
“I am still dying.” My voice cracks. “My mate’s pain is destroying me. Help me, Maylak. Please. Try again.”
She nods and closes her eyes. I close mine, too, waiting for her healing to sweep over me. I feel it a moment later—a subtle warmth that pours through my body. My khui shivers in my chest, responding to hers. I force myself to relax, to slow my breathing, to let my khui speak and tell her of the pain I am in. I need my mate back. I need my life back.
There must be a way.
The warmth recedes, and I open my eyes, frowning. That was…fast. I rack my brain, trying to think of the first time I saw Stay-see. Of memories of how she arrived and our quick resonance.
But there is…nothing.
My disappointment is obvious to Maylak. Her expression is apologetic as she releases my hands. “Your mind is as healed as I can make it. Only time can say if your memories will come back, Pashov. Be gentle with yourself.”
I rub a hand over my brow, frustrated. “Can you try again in a few days?”
“There is no further injury to be healed,” Maylak tells me, and there is a firmness to her voice that wasn’t there before. “Your memories will either come back, or they will not. I must save my healing for emergencies.”
“And what of me?”
Her hand briefly touches my shoulder as she stands. “Perhaps you must learn to live without those memories.”
The thought is unbearable.
5
STACY
Even though the weather is nice, the day is long. The ease I felt around Pashov yesterday is gone. I’m silent and withdrawn, no matter how much he tries to talk to me. I know it’s not his fault, and it just makes me feel worse. Last night was a mistake. I was weak, and needy, and it can’t happen again. Not until he gets his memories back. I’m not trying to punish him…I just can’t let my heart break into any more pieces than it already has. I can’t take it.
Pashov senses my bad mood and leaves me alone, for the most part. Of course, that’s not surprising, given that I cried myself to sleep on his chest last night. Awkward. He won’t understand why, I don’t think, because he doesn’t know me. He hasn’t lived with me for the last two years. In his mind, he’s only known me for a short period of time. I’m a stranger. And it sucks. It’s best for both of us—and Pacy—if we figure out how to be a team without the messy entanglement of sex.
Especially sex that leaves me hollow and aching for what we used to have.
I know I’m being unfair to him. I love him. I know he’s trying. I just…I just can’t. Every touch that doesn’t have our old routines behind it feels like a betrayal. Maybe that’s crazy of me, but until I can shake it, and until he gets his memories back, that’s how it has to be.