Total pages in book: 152
Estimated words: 147545 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 738(@200wpm)___ 590(@250wpm)___ 492(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 147545 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 738(@200wpm)___ 590(@250wpm)___ 492(@300wpm)
But it won’t be at their son’s funeral.
Not when I’m the reason it’s happening.
That’s entirely too twisted.
___
I pick out a pair of end tables, and Tor shows up with his credit card to pay the bill. He tells them he wants the furniture delivered tonight, which I didn’t think was an option—the guy certainly told me I would have to wait two weeks—but somehow, it’s not a problem when Tor asks.
Since I have to close tonight, Tor says he’ll head to my place to wait for the delivery.
When I get to work, though, it occurs to me for the first time that my phone is apparently also a listening device, and he didn’t say he wouldn’t listen in on me again. I know he was wary of Josh, and he’s working until eight again tonight, so I decide to leave my phone in my purse while I work.
Fortunately, I’m closing the front counter tonight, so I get to leave a little earlier. I feel bad that Tor is waiting for me at home alone, and I feel worse when I check my phone and see I’ve missed several texts from him throughout my shift.
“Sorry,” I text back on my way to my car. “My phone was in my purse. I’m heading home now!”
It feels good to say that.
Despite the lunacy of it being way too quick, that realization causes my thoughts to drift to Tor’s invitation to join him in Boston at the end of summer.
I have always wanted to live somewhere else—before, it was just to experience more than I have in Holbrook, but for the past year, it has been because “home” is a dreadful place to be. I’m not sure Boston is where I would have ended up, but I’m not opposed to it.
The main thing that bothers me isn’t even living with Tor when we’ve only just started dating. It’s knowing how behind I would be. It has made me feel like a complete failure to watch the people I graduated with start the next chapter of their lives, knowing that should have been me, but I completely blew it. Even if I try my best to catch up now, the best I can do is start everything a year late.
And if I were doing it on my own, maybe that wouldn’t be as noticeable, but doing it alongside Tor would highlight my failure over and over again for the next four years. When he’s graduating, I’ll still have a year left. Not only could that potentially complicate our future plans if we are still together, but it’s just… not fair.
I can’t get my lost year back, no matter what I do now, no matter how hard I try to catch up. It’s just too late.
Thinking about Boston may not have been the best thing because by the time I get to my apartment, it’s brought me all the way back down.
Tor notices as soon as I step inside the door. He asked me while I was working if I’d be hungry when I got home, but, of course, I didn’t answer him since I was avoiding my phone. Now I smell something incredible cooking, and my heart sinks because I already ate between customers.
“Hey,” Tor says as I enter the living room.
“Hey. I didn’t know you were cooking.”
He shrugs. “You didn’t answer, so I figured I’d play it safe. If you’re not hungry, you’ll have leftovers.”
I’m not very hungry, but I will eat some of it. I’ll feel too guilty if I don’t.
“You okay?” Tor asks, noticing something is off.
I nod, attempting a smile. “How are you? How was your family stuff?”
“About as expected.” His mouth tugs up slightly, but it obviously wasn’t a fun day, and now I feel bad about that, too.
“Hey, since I have my own place now, do you think I could get my journal back?”
Tor glances up, watching me for a moment. “Why?”
His question surprises me, so it takes a second to find an answer. “Uh… I don’t know. It feels weird that someone I don’t even know still has it, and now that things are different, I’d like to have an outlet for those times I need to work on my mental health.”
“Why don’t we get you a new journal?” he suggests.
My eyebrows rise. “I can’t have the other one back?”
“You can, but I’d prefer you didn’t read it anymore. After this weekend, I’d love it if you never thought about my brother again.”
His words make my heart sink, mostly because it never occurred to me that he might feel the way Russell did about all this. I view Tor as such a step up from Russell in that department, considering it now is disappointing.
“Does it bother you that your brother… I mean, of course it bothers you that he—” I stop, trying to think how to even word this. I despise using similar wording to what Russell’s disgusting friends used that night I overheard them talking, but it’s the only thing I can think of. “Is this a possessive thing? Does it bother you that he was… inside me first even though it wasn’t my choice?”