Total pages in book: 110
Estimated words: 106774 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 534(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 356(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 106774 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 534(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 356(@300wpm)
Finally, after a few minutes, she stops.
“Why did you lie to me about where you were going?” she asks, the pain I haven’t seen in a long time back in her eyes.
What did I tell her this morning? An emergency? I panicked and was overwhelmed, plucking a reason out the air and figuring I’d explain later.
“If you’d shared this with me, I would’ve supported you, Gray. I would’ve wanted to be there for you. Instead, I’m fighting this internal battle between kicking you out and kissing you and it’s fucking with my head.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You lied to me. You told me I was safe with you, and then you made me question that.”
She takes a deep breath, and I can practically see the way she collects herself playing across her features. Even hurt, she’s beautiful. Everything I’ve ever wanted.
“You’re right. I lied to you,” I say. “I was impulsive and terrified, if I’m being honest. I didn’t know what I was walking into, only that I had to do it. Because when Caroline died, Liza blamed me. They all did. That destroyed me in a way that I can’t describe. It reminded me that they were the third and fourth people I’ve hurt while putting my career first.” I gulp, squeezing my eyes closed as images of my parents flash to the forefront. “I had to find closure, Astrid.” I open my eyes and find her gaze. “Being with you lately? It’s fucked with my head. Maybe this isn’t the right time or place to tell you this, but when we’re together, I can see us together. Like really together.”
She swallows, otherwise not moving a muscle.
“And I couldn’t think about that—I couldn’t get my hopes up about being with you—when I know that I still held too much space for Caroline. Hell, I’ve been paying for Liza’s rehabilitation bills for two years. How can I be with you if I have such enormous secrets?”
“You can’t.” She shrugs as if she can’t decide whether she’s resigned or angry. “Gray, I understand why you needed to see Liza. I respect that, and I’m glad you did it. It sounds like you both needed it to heal, and I’d never deprive someone from healing from their trauma.”
“Because you’re an angel.”
“But I have to be honest, too. I’m hurt you didn’t tell me about this. I told you everything,” she says. “I was vulnerable. I shared things that humiliated me, and all the while, I explained to you that the things that hurt me the most were feeling invisible and being neglected emotionally. And then you withhold such important things—things that matter, and lie to me. That fucking hurts.”
“No, no, Astrid. Don’t you understand? I never would’ve gone to see Liza if it weren’t for you. I would’ve just lived with the guilt and been miserable for the rest of my life. But you—you made me face it because you deserve more.” I take her hands and pull her in front of me. “Did I just botch this whole thing? Probably. Did I make an impulsive decision? Yes. I absolutely didn’t handle it the right way. But you matter to me so much that I got on an airplane today to get this behind me so I can be with you. So I can take care of you. So I can be free to be the man who can show up for you every minute of your life.”
She laces our fingers together, watching them tangle. It reminds me of being on my couch with her—the moment I realized that I’m falling in love with this woman. I can’t tell her that tonight because it’ll feel like I’m just saying it. But I can show her. And I will.
“I wish you would’ve told me. I would’ve wanted to be there for you,” she says softly.
“And I appreciate that more than you can imagine.” I take a shaky breath as my bones begin to ache from exhaustion. “Astrid, sweetheart, I’m sorry that I hurt you today. You’re the only thing I care about. I’ve been fucked up in the head for two years, unable to pull my head out of my ass—nearly lost my reputation and my career over it. And I didn’t give a fuck.” I fight the burn in my chest and keep going. I have to get this all out in the open. “You gave me the courage to face my fear and find peace, to put the past where it belongs. Because you? You’re my future.”
Please, please believe me. Please don’t push me away.
“What are you saying?” she asks, her eyes widening, tears filling them again.
“I’m saying that I’m probably going to mess up because I tend to do that. But I give you my word that I will never make choices without including you in them. I want us to be a team from here on out.”