Total pages in book: 126
Estimated words: 116231 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 581(@200wpm)___ 465(@250wpm)___ 387(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 116231 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 581(@200wpm)___ 465(@250wpm)___ 387(@300wpm)
The rest of the day continues just as the itinerary said. Pilates is her jam, she does it like a fucking champ. Meanwhile, my legs were shaking the entire time. The snack after that is two slices of apples with some sort of peanut butter in the middle. I want to say that dinner is better, but it’s a zucchini soup and then an eggplant squash sort of patty.
That night she walks out of the shower and I’m sitting on the wooden bench, right outside our door. “That was nice,” she says, sitting down next to me wearing the white robe they had hanging in the bathroom. I’m wearing the other one. “It’s so quiet,” she observes, putting one foot up on the bench. “What are you doing?”
“Thinking of all the stuff I’m going to eat when I get home,” I answer her and she laughs as I put an arm around her and she puts her head on my shoulder. “What’s the longest relationship you’ve ever had?”
“Three weeks,” she shares, “maybe a month.”
“What?” I’m shocked.
“I’m not a relationship type of person.” She moves away from me and leans her back toward the side of the bench and puts her feet in my lap. “What about you?”
“Twelve years,” I answer. “Do you think you’ll want kids?”
“Probably not.” She shakes her head. “It’s just a big commitment.” She takes a deep sigh and then adds, “I don’t know if I’m deserving of it, but do I merit bringing someone into this world? Do you want more kids?”
“I hadn’t thought about it,” I answer her honestly. “It would have to depend, I guess, on if the other person wanted them. It’s not just a decision I can make on my own.” I rub her legs. “Why don’t you and Kirby have the same last name?”
“I was adopted by my stepfather when I was younger; he didn’t want to be.”
“And you did?” I ask her and she shrugs.
“I didn’t really get the choice. I was too young to even know what it really meant,” she admits softly. “I didn’t even know my father. He died when I was just a baby. I have pictures with him but no memories.”
“Did you get along with your stepfather?” I ask her and she turns to look off into the distance.
“I thought I did.” She trails off and I can feel her hiding something from me, closing herself off. It’s like I can hear the door being shut, not letting anyone in. “Were you close to your sister before all of that happened?”
“Yeah,” I tell her. “She moved here not long after we did. We used to do things together all the time.”
“Do you miss her?”
“I do,” I admit to her, “but we have made choices that we both have to live with.”
“I don’t think it was her choice to have her husband sleep with your wife.”
“No, but it was her choice to spew shit in my face and then take him back.”
“You don’t know what she is going through. That’s the thing. Nobody knows what the other person is going through or went through. We just assume.”
“Did you and Kirby ever not have a good relationship?” I ask, trying to get her to talk to me, open up to me.
“For a while. He moved away from home, and I assumed he didn’t want to have a relationship with me. We lost a lot of years because of that.” She gets up and I know the conversation is over. “You should talk to your sister,” she puts her hand on my shoulder, “or you’ll regret it down the line.” I look up at her. “I’m going to bed.”
twenty-eight
Kylie
I look out the window as we drive away from the retreat. “The first sign I see for food I’m stopping,” Knox declares, and I laugh at him.
“I can’t believe you drank that celery juice this morning.”
“I was starving,” he defends. “I was hoping it would taste semi-good.”
“And what did it taste like?” I turn my back to the door, watching him.
“Like lemon juice and celery water.” He shakes his head as he makes a sour face. “I’m never, ever going anywhere ever again unless I get all the details,” he says, “but I will say I’d like to do that reformer thing again.”
“Pilates,” I tell him. “It’s a great workout, does the whole core.”
He nods his head and puts his hand over my leg and again I hold it as we drive away from the retreat. The last two days have been a bit of mixed emotions for me as I tried to navigate through whatever it is that is happening between us.
Last night he was asking me questions I wasn’t even sure I wanted to answer. I have never been with someone who wanted to ask me those questions. It made me see that all of the relationships I had were very superficial. They were relationships based on being cordial with the other person and then maybe leading to sex. Sometimes there wasn’t even sex. I never, ever let anyone in, and I know why. Deep down, I know the reason I didn’t let anyone else in was because I knew their love would come with strings. There is no way love is just given without anything in return, and I had nothing to give anyone. I didn’t want their love and I didn’t want to give them mine.