Total pages in book: 75
Estimated words: 71698 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 358(@200wpm)___ 287(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71698 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 358(@200wpm)___ 287(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
“I know you didn’t mean to make it all about you. You can’t help that people love you. You’re a star that’s always rising, and I was lucky enough to be along for the ride. It was always you, going places, with your easy charm, your charisma, and your inability to take no for an answer. You have the kind of talent that people just have to stop and take in. They’re in awe of it. I’m in awe of you. Sometimes, I wanted to be you. And sometimes, I just wanted to be as good as you. But neither was ever going to happen. It’s not you I hated. It’s me. For being so jealous of you and letting that fuck it all up, even when I didn’t want it to. I can see that now.”
I want to tell him that he’s wrong, but I can’t sit here and refute his truth, not when he means it as an apology. He’s trying to lay the foundation to mend the bridges. Bridges that I’d do anything to have.
“No matter what happens, Matt, we’re good.” I can do more than just hope for that. I’ll work to make it happen. I’ll do whatever it takes, even if I don’t feel like what happened was fair or my fault. Fault has nothing to do with it. We’re past that. I value my friendship more than I need to cling to my hurt feelings.
“I think we need to do what we said. Take a break.” Matt’s good at hiding what he feels. Part of it he learned along the way, but he’s never been open on stage or off like I have. I’ve spent most of my life with him, though, and the rough cadence of his voice is obvious to me. “Maybe someday, we’ll be able to make music together again.”
“I’d like that. In some capacity,” I tell him.
“I’d say you’re throwing it all away by stopping, but I know you’re not. All this time, it was never fame you wanted. That’s half your allure. Every note you ever put out into the world was given straight from your soul. You were just good enough to let the rest of us stand in your orbit.”
“Good god, Matt.”
He half laughs, half grunts right into the phone, and it distorts weirdly in my ear. I grin like a crazy person. “I’m sorry we ever made you feel like you weren’t doing a good job. You did everything you could. Never apologize to anyone. You never did anything wrong. At least not the stuff that counted. You were never afraid of making mistakes. Jameson and Luke will come around. They’ll figure it out. But us? I want us to be good, like we were. Brothers and all that.”
In all honesty, this is a man who notoriously hates expressing emotion. He keeps his relationship with his wife private, and I’ve never heard him express anything romantic to her, but they’re still married, and she always seems happy, so maybe he shows it in ways he can’t say. I get that. It’s not easy for everyone. What counts is that it’s there. It’s felt. It’s real.
“It’s in the past. I’m not sure what’s ahead, but I hope we’re all happy doing whatever it is we’ve got going on.”
“Damn it. I knew you’d say that. All of it. I knew you’d just be so nice about all of it.”
That only makes my grin widen. “People say you can’t choose your family, but I did choose you, and I’m sticking with it. Everything that happened was for a reason, and I’m sticking with that too. I don’t want to feel shitty, so I’m choosing not to.”
We both know it’s not that easy, but his rough grunt tells me he gets it. “I just didn’t want you to hear about me from someone else.”
“I appreciate that,” I tell him earnestly.
“Yeah, uh, me too. Everything. All the time we had, you know? The ride.”
“I know.”
“You’re always there when it’s hard, and when it’s good. It’s sometimes harder to be there when it’s easy. Hard not to be a jealous prick. I know that too well.”
A noise pops out of me that causes Carissa to fling an arm out across my chest. I turn my face and let her see that I’m okay. My chest just hurts, and my eyes are burning, but I’m good.
“See you around then?” I say.
Matt’s not going to stay on the line and get sentimental. This was already more than I could have ever expected. “For sure.”
He hangs up first, and I power my phone off completely.
The only thing wrong with the position I’m in right now is that Carissa isn’t close enough. So I pull and arrange her on my lap. She clings to me, tucking her head against my neck. “While you were on the phone, I had an idea.”