Total pages in book: 75
Estimated words: 71698 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 358(@200wpm)___ 287(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71698 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 358(@200wpm)___ 287(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
That’s all true.
I have had a home all this time after all.
Chapter twelve
Carissa
“Are you sure this is okay? I know you’re a strong, independent woman, but I was just involved in a tour that lasted for the better part of a year. I was supposed to be back. I’m worried you’re going to miss me. And I’m leaving you with the cats. And Woof Woof Dog.”
He wags his tail madly, rushing me for pets. I stroke his soft ears, then gently pluck at the hair on top of his head until it’s all standing on end.
Mom picks up my duffel bag for me, moving it closer to the door. “If you’re sure you want to do this, then I’m sure I want you to go and have a good time. It’s a few days, not a few years. We’ll make it.”
Pumpkin can’t stand the dog having all the love. He comes racing across the room, meowing his own special brand of the song of his people. He climbs my leg until I stoop to pick him up or get shredded. I turn him over into the baby hold. Out of all the cats, he’s the only one that allows it and doesn’t have an immediate urge to flip himself upright. I put my face near his face, and he immediately licks my nose.
“Are you having second thoughts?” Mom asks.
“Second? More like second times a hundred. It’s not about Wilder.”
“But?” Mom presses.
Pumpkin’s purr motor gets going madly when I pat his bottom like I would do to a child. He’s a big boy, and there’s quite a lot of hind end overflowing my arms.
“You know what the buts are. The fame and the game.”
“It’s been a hard two weeks. If you canceled on him now, I think he’d be very hurt.”
My stomach turns over. “I don’t want to cancel on him. I’ve been dying the slowest of slow deaths, not being able to be close to him.” Space sucks. It’s the hardest thing in the world. I’ve had years and years and years of freaking space. I just never saw this happening for us. I’m still overwhelmed, and he’s feeling it multiplied a million gazillion infinity, with all that’s been happening.
All that’s been happening is a lot. Thankfully, the label understood that the band needed to take a break. Right now, that’s the official word for it. Not a breakup. People think they just need time. They need to hit pause.
Wilder called me that first night to tell me he’d talked to Matt, and he was open to taking an extended break. No one wanted to break the hearts of millions of fans around the world. It wasn’t an issue of breaches of contracts or money that would be owed or venues already booked.
Matt cares just as much about the fans as Wilder does. Wilder did say that after a year or two, if they announced the band was splitting up, it might be less painful, and he did still see it trending in that direction. He wanted to stay positive. Time doesn’t just cause people to drift away. It could be what they need to heal and find their way back, or they could grow and change their perspective. He’s not all that hopeful, but he isn’t unhopeful either.
I kiss Pumpkin and set him down. He takes two steps and flops over, putting his legs in the air and crooking them, making air biscuits like his life depends on his production rate.
“I guess it’s just that… I feel so blessed to know him. I’m still a little bit in awe of him, and I probably always will be. What if I disappoint him? What if I’m not enough? I’m worried I’ll fail on a basic level long before the stress of us trying to navigate a relationship does.”
Mom sets my bag down by the door. “Breathe, sweetheart.”
“I hate being told to breathe.” Also? I’m not breathing. I’m two seconds away from gasping for air. “What therapist says breathe? That’s the equivalent of calm down.”
“Medically speaking, you need oxygen. Inhale. Exhale. It’s not a metaphor.”
“I need you to tell me that everything is going to be okay.” I gulp air, taking it deep into my lungs and holding it before letting it out in one long, messy, jerky exhale.
“You know I can’t do that.”
“As my mother!”
“I can’t do that, especially as your mother.” She walks over and hugs me hard in one of those mom hugs that will never cease to make at least a few things better. Hugging triggers the brain to release all its happy chemicals. You know what else apparently has trace amounts of relax, you’ve got this vibes? Potatoes. For real.
I could use a whole heaping serving of potatoes right now. If I could only eat one food for the rest of my life, it would be that. You can make potatoes a gazillion and one ways.