Total pages in book: 105
Estimated words: 103050 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 515(@200wpm)___ 412(@250wpm)___ 344(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 103050 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 515(@200wpm)___ 412(@250wpm)___ 344(@300wpm)
“Daddy!” Willow squeals. “Can I choose the color?”
I turn to her and she’s grinning. She’s not panicking.
“The color?”
“Yes, if you’re going to paint, can I choose?” she asks.
“You don’t mind if I paint in here?” It’s a bigger room, with larger windows at the back of the house, which would be quieter. I wouldn’t need both the bathrooms—there’s a his and a hers, and both are bigger than the one in the room I’m currently using.
I’d forgotten how much Gabby loved this room. I can see why now.
She shrugs. “I think it would be nice in yellow. Like the sun.”
Yeah, I’m definitely not living in a bright yellow bedroom. “Tell you what,” I say. “you can choose the color you paint your bedroom, and I’ll choose the color I’m going to paint my bedroom.”
“Okay. Sounds like a deal.”
I chuckle at her negotiating.
“But can I actually help do the painting?” she asks.
“I don’t know about that,” I say.
“But I really want to, Daddy. I read in a book how you can write messages under the paint and then paint over it and I really want to write on my walls.”
“We’ll see. We can’t do it today. We have to plan.”
“Let’s write a list.”
“A list?”
“Of all the rooms we’re going to paint.”
“All the rooms? I thought it was just my bedroom.”
“The green room too.”
“I thought you liked that color.”
“I think I’d prefer pink,” she says.
Maybe I haven’t lost my little girl completely.
“You’re right, we need a list.”
“And what about downstairs?” she asks. “We could paint down there too.”
“Oh, you want to paint everything now?”
“Mommy’s house is all fresh and new. I want our house to be like that too.”
I don’t know why I’ve been so concerned about all the change Willow is going through at the moment. She seems to be taking it all in her stride and inviting in more.
I’ve been a fool.
Gabby was right all along. Aurora too. I’ve been trying to keep Willow locked in an ivory tower to keep her safe and happy, when she’s already safe and happy.
If anyone was a danger to Willow’s happiness, it was me. Maybe I wasn’t trying to protect Willow at all, but my self—my younger self who failed to keep his big sister safe. Survivor guilt? Was that what’s been driving me all along?
“And can I get a new dressing table?” she asks.
“A new one?”
“One with a bigger mirror so you can do my hair.”
“I don’t know about that,” I say. “The green room has a nice dressing table already. We can’t have new things all the time.”
“Do you think you can do a French braid in that mirror?” she asks.
Truth is, I don’t think I could do a French braid in a house of mirrors. It’s skill, not sight, that holds me back.
“I’m not sure,” I confess.
“Maybe Aurora needs to give you another lesson.”
More mentions of Aurora.
“Can we call her?” she asks.
My heart starts to race at the thought of speaking to Aurora. Could that even be a possibility?
I shake my head. “She’s at work. We can’t disturb her.”
“Let’s send her a voice note,” she says.
“Voice note?” I ask. “Mommy lets you send voice notes?”
“Just sometimes. To Grandma. So, can we send one to Aurora?”
“You talk about Aurora a lot,” I say.
“I like her. I want her to see my new room. Can she come over for a playdate?” she asks.
“Maybe,” I say.
“When?” she asks.
“You know, you don’t need to worry about Daddy being lonely,” I say. I’m about to tell her that I can never be lonely if I’ve got her, but I stop myself. First of all, I don’t have her for half of the week, and secondly, I don’t want her to feel any of the pressure that Gabby described. My daughter isn’t responsible for me. It’s the other way around.
“But I still want her to come over for a playdate. We can watch a movie. She can do my hair.”
“You have it all planned out.”
“Please, Daddy? I like her. And maybe she could help you pick the colors for your bedroom.”
The more time I spend with Willow lately, the more space I see between us. Not distance, but positive space that’s been created in Willow’s growing independence. She’s showering herself, doing jigsaws by herself, having her own thoughts and opinions. She doesn’t need me in the same way she used to, and that’s good…but I’m not sure I expected it.
I didn’t expect there to be a time when I could see that maybe there’s also space for Aurora.
Maybe there was space for Aurora all along, and I just couldn’t see it.
“If you sent her a message, she might come around after she’s finished work,” Willow says.
If only it was that simple.
I know Aurora understood why I ended things, but I hurt her. I could pretend that we were just casual, but I would be lying to myself. It’s not true. I could pretend that we hadn’t known each other long, and that might be true in terms of time, but in my soul, it felt like I’d known Aurora my entire life. I know she felt the same way.