Total pages in book: 153
Estimated words: 152064 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 760(@200wpm)___ 608(@250wpm)___ 507(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 152064 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 760(@200wpm)___ 608(@250wpm)___ 507(@300wpm)
“She didn’t want me,” I grind out.
“What part of you didn’t she want?” Tally whispers.
“This.” I motion to myself. “Me. She didn’t want me. She wanted a lifestyle. I fucking loved her. I handed over my heart and she acted like she was doing the same, and then she took it all back,” I choke out.
“How? What happened?” Tally’s voice is gentle, but unsteady.
“Fuck.” I grit my teeth. Shake my head. My stomach is twisted up, my mouth dry. “You won’t want me either.” And that’s what this is really about. Revealing this part of me threatens everything, but if I can’t be honest, I’ll lose her anyway.
She takes my face in her hands. “I have seen every side of you, Phillip Madden, the good, the bad, and the broken, and that has never stopped me from wanting you. Please let me in. Please have faith in my ability to handle your truth.”
There isn’t another choice, so I nod. Tally takes my hand and guides me to the couch. She doesn’t let go once we’re seated, and I’m grateful for the contact.
“This is really hard for me to talk about, Talls. With anyone.”
“I know. But I need this from you.”
I scrub a hand over my face, choking on the memories I’ve been running from for years. “Where do you want me to start?”
“What happened to break your faith in love?”
“So many things.” I sigh. “We were accepted to different universities, so we broke up at the end of grade twelve. Between the distance and hockey, we knew it wouldn’t work. It hurt, but it made sense.”
She nods. “What brought you back together?”
“She moved back in my fourth year, and we reconnected. She’d been part of my life before the scouts and the promise of a contract after I graduated.”
“You had history.”
“We did,” I agree. “And you know what it’s like in university.”
“It’s a lot of fun when you’re a hockey player,” Tally says without judgment.
“After three years, I’d had enough. I wanted…someone I could trust, and I thought Fiona was that person.” I exhale the agony of what comes next. “I didn’t want distance between us again. There were restrictions with my housing because it was connected to the university, but I learned if we were married, the problem would be solved.”
“But why keep it a secret?”
“Our parents would have wanted us to wait, and her parents would have wanted her to move home. I knew my mind. I was in it with her. I thought she felt the same.”
Tally’s eyes hold deep sadness. “But she didn’t?”
I shake my head. “The scouts were all over me. I was so excited. We were planning this life. I thought I had it all figured out.”
“What happened after you got married?”
“Things were good for a couple of months. She didn’t have a job yet because we thought it made more sense for her to wait until we knew where I’d end up.” I put a hand on my leg to keep my knee from bouncing, as the memories bring up old anxiety. “She didn’t grow up the same way I did. Her parents helped her with tuition. She had her own car in high school. They were comfortable. She was used to having things.”
“And you weren’t,” Tally finishes for me.
“Not at all. And especially not in university. The pros are a long shot for most of the guys on the team. Maybe a couple will get called up every year. Some guys make it and choke. Some guys play a few years and end up back on a farm team. I didn’t know where I’d land. I had promise, but I could injure myself and be out of the game like that.” I snap my fingers. “Fiona was spending money we didn’t have yet. She racked up credit card debt, took out loans. She knew how hard my life was growing up, but she had a YOLO attitude.” I lick my lips. “We started fighting a lot. Every day there would be another purchase. My grades started to slip. I had a few bad games. I was under a lot of stress.”
“Of course you were, that’s a lot of pressure to put on you,” Tally says gently.
I nod, remembering the day things ended. “One day I came home from practice, and her bags were packed. She told me this wasn’t what she signed on for. That she didn’t want to be trapped in a marriage where she was monitored all the time. She didn’t want me anymore and that the only thing I was good for was money and sex.”
“I’m so sorry, Phillip. What a horrible thing to tell someone you’re supposed to love,” the ache in her voice matches the one in my chest.
We were in the middle of the season. Midterms were around the corner. I was devastated. My entire future was suddenly upended. “I didn’t want to start my career with that hanging over me. I talked to a lawyer, had an NDA written up, and I basically signed over my first-year salary to erase the mistake.” And then spent the better part of a decade avoiding any kind of connection out of fear I’d give my heart to the wrong person again.