Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 83379 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83379 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
Things changed, people moved on. If Sienna found someone to love, someone she deserved, who was I to stand in her way? In fact, maybe it would be for the best. I would be alone, but then I’d undoubtedly be free.
I listened as Sienna and Ainsley came through the door, and I was so used to their routine that I recognized the sound of them rummaging in the cupboard and running water from the tap before heading down to their rooms for bed. I probably should’ve gotten up to say good night, but I couldn’t find the energy right then. Thankfully, tomorrow was a new day.
Finally settled, I tried to get some shut-eye. Except another memory filtered through my mind, hard to ignore because it tethered on to my previous troubling thoughts. It was of me sitting in a hospital room chair beside Ainsley’s bed, and her eyes blinking open after a particularly brutal night. It was just the two of us since Sienna had gone home to change, and after we talked about how much better she was feeling once her fever broke, Ainsley’s forehead crinkled in deep thought.
“Daddy, what does being gay mean?”
I grew still, wondering why in the world she was asking.
“I heard Granddaddy whispering with Grandma, and he used that word.”
More than likely they thought she was asleep and had been discussing something about me.
Despite my irritation, I took a deep breath and leaned forward. And I didn’t lie to her; I had done that enough in my life. And if I’d lost her—fuck, my chest ached just from the thought—I’d regret that she hadn’t known the real me. I wanted to be my true self in front of her even if it was for one shitty night in a hospital room, holding my daughter’s hand. I’d been overcome with tears as I told her some things she probably needed to know, that I would’ve told her eventually, even though Sienna wasn’t in the room and might’ve faulted me for it later.
But her response had been nothing short of spectacular, which only made the tears roll faster as I swiped them away with my forearm.
“I love you, Daddy, no matter what. Granddaddy does too; he’s just confused.”
I’d nearly lost it again, but I held myself together. Out of the mouths of babes.
“I just want us to always be together and for you and Mommy to still be friends.”
“Of course we will, baby,” I’d promised with a kiss to her knuckles while marveling at what an old soul she’d become, possibly because of everything she’d been through.
The subject had never come up again, most likely because our lives were full and busy and neither I nor Sienna had ever brought anyone around. Brad driving them home was new, but what did I know.
And speaking of Sienna, I had been right. She was irked about not being privy to my conversation with Ainsley. But once I’d made it clear that it was my truth to tell, she fell silent and never questioned me about it afterward. There had been so much heartache between us, I figured she knew my intentions with our daughter were pure.
It’d taken me a while to fall asleep, but once I had, I didn’t know how many hours had gone by when I was awakened by a familiar noise, this time more anguished. I thought I was possibly dreaming as I blinked my eyes open. I’d heard the same sounds from Julian’s room before, but this one had pierced through my dreams. It was no doubt another one of his troubling nightmares, and it reminded me of that earlier moment on the porch with my dad, where he sort of blanked out, almost like falling into a trance, and I’d wondered where he went. I’d seen something similar a time or two since he’d arrived, but I didn’t want to pry.
Except, I’d heard some soldiers suffered from PTSD, and I’d run across the term again a few months back when speaking to Ainsley’s therapist about her anxiety. She’d explained the mental health disorder usually manifested after a traumatic event in someone’s life. And Ainsley had been poked and prodded for this or that procedure, as well as being told she had a life-threatening illness, which no doubt led to some big-time fears. We watched her closely for weeks, and as it turned out, her worries were related more to losing us and feeling alone than reliving the trauma of having cancer.
Julian, on the other hand…
And just as I had that thought, I heard a shout from his room. Startled, I bolted upright in bed and considered going to him, definitely not wanting to overstep but wondering if waking him might help lessen his burden. It was painful to hear his discomfort, so my actions would only be out of consideration for him.