Total pages in book: 152
Estimated words: 147545 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 738(@200wpm)___ 590(@250wpm)___ 492(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 147545 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 738(@200wpm)___ 590(@250wpm)___ 492(@300wpm)
He chuckles, and our bodies are so close, the noise rumbles through me. “It’s okay. I’m not a cheapskate. You can always have your own candy.”
“I’m just glad we’re finally getting to know the important things about each other,” I say playfully.
He shrugs, keeping his arms locked around my waist. “I like the way we did it. Body count first, favorite candy later.” He doesn’t ask what mine is. Instead, he shows off his observational skills. “Yours is Twizzlers.”
“Correct.”
“Followed by…?”
“Reese’s. Especially the eggs, but I won’t turn away the classic peanut butter cup.”
“I’ve never been a big chocolate guy.”
“That’s the craziest thing you’ve ever said.”
He smirks. “Can’t be. I’ve said a lot of crazy shit.”
My eyes widen pointedly. “Exactly. And that’s the craziest.”
“I never knew you had such a sweet tooth. I’ll have to take you to a candy store one day.”
“I’d like that.”
“What else would you like?” he asks, and I can feel the shift in his tone toward something more serious than a sugar fix.
“What do you mean?” I ask, looking up at him.
“From life. From a relationship. You obviously aren’t happy where you are—or where you’ve been, at least, for the past year. Where do you want to go from here?”
It’s a reasonable question, but it makes me sad. Tonight has been so nice overall, and I don’t want reminders of the ugly reality I’m trying to move past.
Maybe that’s the answer.
“I want to stop looking back. It’s hard because… I spent so many years of my life in one lane, building the foundation for this perfect future I thought I could make happen for myself. And one stupid decision to go to one stupid party just derailed everything.” I shake my head faintly, tears welling up in my eyes. “I know back at Holroyd’s you mentioned me being at the top of my class and all that, but the truth is, I wasn’t by the end. The girl who used to skip recess in third grade to help the teacher grade papers barely fucking graduated. That was my whole thing, my primary identity for most of my life. Good girl, good daughter, good student—I worked so hard at everything, but I lost all of it.”
A pair of tears track down my cheeks, and Tor brushes them away, but he doesn’t stop me.
“Your stupid brother… you asked me earlier what he said that night, and he said a bunch of shit, but the last thing he said… he told me I needed to get over it. And it pissed me off so much. Of all the people in the world, he had no right to tell me how or when I needed to do anything. And what pissed me off most of all is that it feels like he never saw all the damage he inflicted. It was not just sex. It wasn’t sex, because sex is what we had tonight. Sex is… different from what he did, and it was the attack, the violation by someone I knew… it was horrifying. And I felt so stupid. And broken. And there’s no area of my life that wasn’t broken by it. That’s what he doesn’t get. It wasn’t like that for him. It didn’t poison every area of his life. He was able to contain it somehow, like something he could put away whenever he felt like it, but I wasn’t.” The tears are coming fully now, making my voice crack, but I take a shuddering breath and keep going.
“In school, I couldn’t concentrate anymore. People were talking about me and staring. I used to love school, and I didn’t even want to be there anymore. Even at home, when I tried to study, I just couldn’t focus. It was like I was broken. All of my grades slipped. I had mostly Cs by the time the year ended—first time in my life I’d ever even gotten one. I didn’t even apply to any colleges. I was so fucking defeated and depressed that I just… it didn’t feel like I had a future anymore, so what was the point? All of my relationships fell apart. Obviously, Russell and I broke up, but that was the least of it, honestly. People I had thought were my friends turned their backs on me. They joined in on the bullshit commentary about the worst moment of my life because supporting me, believing me, meant believing something terrible about your stupid fucking brother who is so beloved around here.” My voice breaks.
“And then there’s my mother. I thought we had a pretty normal relationship before this, but it was untested, and apparently that’s the only reason we did. As soon as it was tested, as soon as standing by me cost something, she just made me feel so terrible. Like it was my fault, like I was overreacting and she was just being oh, so gracious to put up with my fucking theatrics. I wanted to die, and she thought I was being dramatic. What the fuck?” I say, looking up at him with tears in my eyes. “What kind of mother makes her daughter feel that way? If I had a daughter and something like that happened to her, she would be my priority, not everybody else. Fuck what anyone says, what anyone thinks. Fuck the son of the richest fucking family in town and anyone who stands by him. I would be her fiercest defender, not… her biggest disappointment.” I shake my head. “I can’t even stand to look her in the eyes anymore. I can’t stand her.”