Total pages in book: 137
Estimated words: 127201 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 636(@200wpm)___ 509(@250wpm)___ 424(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 127201 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 636(@200wpm)___ 509(@250wpm)___ 424(@300wpm)
G’ma: Oh, I’m sorry, love. Just trying to text your Poppop. You know how tricky this phone is. They certainly didn’t have technology like this when I was young. Though I wasn’t referring to chicken porn, sweetheart. It was a metaphor about how your Poppop should tie me up like one. Not an actual chicken, love. I know that Poppop of yours certainly has a kinky side, but I draw the line at bestiality.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Another text comes through almost immediately.
G’ma: Wait until you get home. You’re going to tie me up like a rotisserie chicken, you bad, bad boy.
Tilly: GRANDMA!!!!! It’s still me. If you’re going to copy and paste the text, at least remember to exit out of our text chain first. GEEZ! I NEED TO BLEACH MY EYEBALLS!
G’ma: Oh, Henry! You should see the text I just sent to poor Tilly. You were right. Messing with her is fun! We’ll come up with something to send her tomorrow over dinner. What would you like? I’m thinking a lovely roast.
My jaw drops. She’s been fucking with me this whole time? That old bat! But there’s no denying that my grandma has always known exactly what to say right when I needed her to say it. She even managed to put a smile on my face just as I was starting to wonder if I’d ever smile again.
Tilly: You and I are going to have words, Grandma! Consider this war!
G’ma: It’s on, kid. But remember, I’ve got fifty years on you. There’s no way you can outgross me. I used to change your father’s diapers.
Tilly: You don’t know who you’re messing with.
Fuck. I’m screwed. Grandma’s going to annihilate me in this war. I can be more than forward when I need to be, but there’s no rising to that level of petty. She got me beat before the war even truly began.
Tilly: I don’t even know how to respond to that!
G’ma: Then perhaps you’ll think twice before waging a war with me, young lady.
Shit.
I barely get a chance to put my phone down before Chloe barges through the door with Zeph on her heels, and the moment the door closes behind them, Chloe stops and scrunches her face. “What is that smell?”
I raise my hand in the air. “That’d be me.”
Chloe looks over me, and as I get to my feet, her disgust increases, all while Zeph gives me an encouraging smile. Only his gaze drops to my new shirt, smirking as he realizes I’ve made myself a new top before the words register in his little pea-brain.
His face drops in horror. “Get fucked,” he mutters.
“That’s all I was trying to do,” I throw back at him.
Chloe shakes her head. “No, no, no, no,” she says, striding right up to me. “I’ve had more than enough of this shit. You are not the girl who lets a man send you spiraling. No matter how good he dicks you down.”
She grips the bottom of my shirt, and before I even understand what’s happening, she rips it over my head. “You’re a disaster,” she says, taking in the filthy shirt beneath. When she rips that one over my head as well, I’m left standing before her in my bra. “Here’s the deal. Zeph and I are going camping, and your ass is coming with us.”
“Uuuuh, what?” Zeph says.
“The fuck I am.”
“Come on, babe. You know I love Tilly, but are you really thinking this through? The whole point of us going camping was so I could get my wilderness explorer badge by spending the whole night exploring your wilderness out in the woods.”
“Gross,” I mutter, scrunching my face the same way Chloe had. “I am not going on your sex trip.”
“Both of you shut up,” Chloe demands. “I’m not about to leave for the night knowing that you’re literally rotting away on the couch, swimming in your own filth. So while I pack your bag, Zeph is going to clean up the apartment, and you’re going to shower because you fucking stink. And please, for the love of all that’s holy, wash yourself a minimum of six times.”
“But—”
“No buts,” she says, literally pushing me toward the bathroom. “I hate to break the news, but in case neither of you has figured it out, you don’t have a choice in the matter. Tilly, you’re coming camping and you’re going to do it with a fucking smile on your face, and Zeph, you’re going to clean up Tilly’s pity party because if I have to look at it for one more second, nobody is getting fucked tonight. So both of you, get your asses moving before you leave me no choice but to take a bitch out.”
Well fuck.
My eyes bulge out of my head, and knowing what’s good for me, I scram into the bathroom, already pulling at the rest of my clothes while hoping like fuck, that Zeph doesn’t find the three-day-old banana peel shoved down the side of our brand-new couch.