Total pages in book: 120
Estimated words: 117740 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 589(@200wpm)___ 471(@250wpm)___ 392(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 117740 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 589(@200wpm)___ 471(@250wpm)___ 392(@300wpm)
Our garden at home just wasn’t big enough to keep them all in.
If it was, I wouldn’t need the allotment.
It was the same for all the plot holders, or one of us would definitely be taking them home.
I shook my head, sending those thoughts elsewhere. The reality of the situation was truly dawning on me now that I was back here, but I couldn’t cry again.
I didn’t want to cry again. I’d exhausted all my tears last night. I’d end up in the hospital on a drip for dehydration if I lost any more fluids.
“Oh, Rose!” George said, shuffling out of his shed. “How are you feelin’?”
I gave him the best smile I could muster. “A bit tired, but I’m all right. What about you? How was your night with your new fiancée?”
He wiggled his eyebrows. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
I tilted my head, thinking about it. “I’ve changed my mind. I’ll pass.”
He laughed and handed me a little packet. “Here. Found this in the shed. Give it to the cat, would ya?”
I took it from him and flipped it over. “George, this Lick-e-lix is two years out of date.”
“Is it? Crikey. What’s it been doing in the shed for two years, then?”
“Haven’t the foggiest,” I replied, putting it back in his hand. “I’ll leave that to you. God only knows what I’ll find in mine when I start clearing it out.”
“Probably some cornflakes from your ol’ grandpa.” He chuckled.
He wasn’t wrong.
It wasn’t as if I ever gutted the place, and my grandfather had been rather partial to cornflakes.
“Good morning, dear!” Susan practically bounced out of her shed. “Oh, Hades, you’re on my gloves again, you little tyke.”
“He’s a cat,” I replied. “If he fits, he sits. And if he doesn’t fits, he’s gonna try to sits anyway.”
She laughed brightly, scooting her gloves out from under him. “At least they’re nice and warm.”
I held my hand up to shelter my eyes from the hot sun. “Yes, because that’s exactly what you want in this weather. Hot gloves.”
She shuddered as she put her hand in. “Oh, dear. You’re right. And they’re covered in his fur.”
“That’s just his glitter,” George said.
“Why don’t you take this glitter for me, then?”
“Get rid of it yourself, woman. I’m not your slave.”
“I’m glad we’re on the same page. By the way, I still want that pre-nup.”
I looked between the two of them. “Pre-nup? What do you want a pre-nup for? Is George secretly a millionaire?”
Susan blinked at me. “I know he fancies my Shirley Temple. I must retain custody of my plants.”
“Oh, perfectly understandable.” I unlocked my shed from the key on my spare set and opened the door, a waft of heat washing over me. “George, give the woman her pre-nup.”
“I only want a cutting of it,” he muttered.
“You can’t make peonies flower to save your life,” Susan retorted. “I am not letting you desecrate Shirley just to see her child never bloom.”
“But you’ll be there, Susie. You can do it for me.”
Susie?
Susie?
“Remember when I said I’d miss your flirting? I take it back.” I put the keys on the side and stepped out, giving my gloves a shake. “Do you reckon I’ll get these tomatoes in time?”
The two of them shared a look, and something I didn’t quite catch passed between them.
“Stop flirting like that,” I said, bending down to check them. “There are children present.”
“You’re not a child,” Isadora said, jingling my keys as she appeared at my gate. “Here. Where’s mine?”
I caught the keys she tossed at me and nodded towards the shed. “In there.”
“All right, thanks. Feeling any better?”
I nodded as she retrieved her keys. “I had a good cry, a good whine to myself, plotted approximately seventeen different ways of torture, researched the feasibility of six of them, and realised he isn’t worth the jail time.”
“Time well spent.” She perched on the edge of the one of the bed.
“Mind my courgettes.”
She peeked under the leaves and rescued one that grown too big for its boots. “George, this one is trying to grow bigger schlongs than you.”
“Damn it, Rose!”
I turned around and caught sight of the one she was holding. It was huge. “Ah. Where was that bugger hiding?”
“Under the leaves. Tucked against the side,” she answered. “Want me to get it for you?”
I nodded and handed her the snips from my bag. “Watch the little—”
“Motherfucker!” she hissed, sucking her finger. “Are these stems coated with poison or something?”
“—Hairs on the stems, they’re sharp,” I finished dryly.
“Thanks for the warning.” She glared at me and handed me the marrow. “Your schlong, babe.”
I took the marrow from her. I could barely wrap my hand around it, and I tilted my head to the side. “You know what, I think this has just put me off some romance books.”
She frowned. “Why?”
“Well, some of them say the guy’s tallywhacker is so big they can barely get their hand around it.” I held up the marrow and showed her where my fingers and thumb couldn’t quite meet. “This would absolutely decimate a vagina.”