Total pages in book: 60
Estimated words: 56238 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 281(@200wpm)___ 225(@250wpm)___ 187(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 56238 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 281(@200wpm)___ 225(@250wpm)___ 187(@300wpm)
I rub my neck as the tingling builds inside me remember the pressure of his hands around my flesh. The intense burn of gasping for air all comes back in a flash.
When does his power over me, over my life, end? When can I be free of this?
In the beginning it wasn’t like this. The monster he is, I didn’t see it. Whether I was blinded by love or grief I still don’t know. What I do know, in my weakest of moments, he took hold of my heart, my emotions, and I fell into his trap.
I don’t think I’ll ever be whole again. The pieces broken inside of me from Brett, the trust shattered in my own self is gone. I chose him. I did this to myself, and I took my son along for the ride. Mom guilt eats at me more than the fear. I brought this on my kid.
That single decision changed the entire trajectory of my life. More than one choice landed me here. When Jonah died, maybe I should have moved back to Arkansas.
If there is a higher power out there, what is the purpose in my pain? I can’t help but think that over and over. Why me?
My office line rings, taking me out of my self-loathing. “Sampson County, Josie Schneider,” I answer before being cut off.
“Puppet, I really despise that you keep his name.”
I gasp having him calling me once again has too many emotions flooding me. Frustration and anger build taking over the fear inside me. Rather than hang up, the words tumble out of my mouth. “His name is my name, my son’s name. It belongs to me for life. You said you understood, but that was a lie. You were his friend. You don’t get to taint his memory. Do what you want, say what you want about me, but Jonah is off limits, Brett.”
“Oh my, my, my, she has fire. I miss that. The fight, the fucking, and the fight some more,” he taunts me, and I want to vomit. “I love when you fight under me, Puppet. The way your body feels alive with every move. The way I can watch your eyes widen in fear, your pulse quickens as you gasp for air. Will you beg, Puppet? Will you beg me, please?”
I feel the bile rising. Too many nights, no matter how much I tried not to engage, tried to do all the things to keep his anger at bay, and how many nights I lost the battle. He relished an argument, the more riled he got, the more it turned him on. How can hurting someone you claim to love turn you on? I’ll never understand it.
That is Brett. Everything was a fight including sex. Early on, he could be gentle. Although, I must admit the memories of those times fade with every bruise he leaves on my flesh. The kind, giving lover didn’t last, though, and soon the only way for him to finish was to inflict some kind of pain to my body. The sweet man wanting to be my rock was nothing more than a façade. A mirage of his creation, I must admit he played it well. The slow stoking of the fire in time was a blazing inferno of Hell.
My personal Hell.
From moment to moment, I don’t know what will come next. Even now, I don’t live with him, but I still can’t predict what may come. When we shared a residence, the only place I felt safe was here at work especially towards the end. Except with every phone call he’s robbing me of this too. No place is safe, I have to accept it. The cops can’t keep me safe, the judge, the paperwork, it means nothing to him. I can’t keep me safe; he finds me and hurts me every time.
“This line is monitored, Brett. You aren’t supposed to be calling me,” I attempt reminding him of our court order of protection while also hoping to diffuse the entire situation. “You don’t want to have to go in front of the judge again. I don’t want that for you either.”
“Puppet, you don’t understand. I love you. I love JJ and we are a family.”
The frustration builds inside me, “we were for a time, but Brett it didn’t work.” The words tumble from my mouth before I can stop them. “You have some demons you need to face. I can’t help you and neither can my son. You have to get healthy.”
Instantly, his tone is sharp. “Oh this is my fault! I told you my expectations. It’s not hard, Josie. You failed to meet my needs. I didn’t give up on us, you did. I simply punished you. A consequence for disobedience. That’s life. Like a child, they fail to do something they are instructed to do there is a punishment. You got what you deserved.”