Total pages in book: 58
Estimated words: 57067 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 285(@200wpm)___ 228(@250wpm)___ 190(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 57067 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 285(@200wpm)___ 228(@250wpm)___ 190(@300wpm)
Afterwards, I fall back. Breathing hard. World spinning like it’s never going to settle.
She stands, wipes her mouth, and looks at me with confusion in her eyes.
“I didn’t plan on doing that,” she whispers, as if she can’t believe the effect we have on each other.
“I know the feeling,” I snarl, standing and walking around her. I give her a wide berth because, even though my manhood has wilted, I know I’ll be ready to take her again in no time at all.
“Get your things,” I go on. “Then I’ll give you a ride home. After—”
“Don’t say anything we can’t come back from,” she cuts in.
She’s right. I sigh, nod. “Tomorrow can take care of itself. But we need to respect Julian’s wishes. This is already messier than we ever should’ve let it get.”
She sighs… and then nods. “Yeah, you’re right. I guess we should try.”
Neither of us wants to.
Both of us have to.
CHAPTER 21
CELINE
Three days shouldn’t feel like a lifetime, but as Julian drives me to work for the third afternoon in a row, I can’t deny that time is playing some not-so-funny tricks. After I lost my mind and went down on Damian, he drove me home, our conversation stilted, a fresh awkwardness between us because we were both holding so much back.
“I’ll pick you up as usual,” Julian says, voice clipped. We’ve hardly spoken, though I’ve been staying at his place this entire time. I reach for the door handle, then Julian mutters, “Getting closer to the big day.”
Big day? Oh, Christmas.
Whoopee dee doo. “Guess so.”
“Wait,” he mutters.
I lean back in my chair, eyebrow raised. “Yeah?”
“Are you okay? You don’t seem like your usual self.”
I don’t even need to say anything in response to this. I just fold my arms and look at him.
He sighs, scratching his face in a manic way, like he’s looking for something for his hands to do. “I get it. That’s a stupid question.”
“Just a little bit.”
“I’m just not used to you being so sad at this time of year.” He hesitates, then asks, “Were you happier when you were with Damian?”
It’s the first time Julian has said his name since waking up hungover post-argument.
“Do you want me to answer that honestly?” I ask.
“Yes,” he says. “God help me–but I do.”
“You might not like the answer.”
“I’m not sure I can like any of this,” he says.
“We weren’t together for a long time,” I say, staring across the gray parking lot at the hospital. We’ve had two days without snow, as though the universe knows I won’t be able to appreciate it as much with this rift between me and the man I should think of as a stranger… but don’t. “But yeah, I was happy with him. I liked bringing out his fun side. I liked showing him life doesn’t have to be so serious all the time. We didn’t do much. We decorated. Watched one movie. But it was special.”
Julian sighs heavily. “You have to see how weird this is for me,” he mutters.
“I see it,” I tell him. “It can’t be easy.”
“And it’s not easy for you either.”
I shake my head. “Not even close. I really miss him. I keep wondering what he’s doing, how he’s doing. He’s a good person, isn’t he? Despite everything he’s done.”
“He’s got a code, and he sticks to it. Damian is a good man.” Julian works his jaw. “I’m not happy about the way I left things with him. But it’s like two worlds smashing together, two aspects of my life I thought would never have anything to do with each other.”
I touch Julian’s hand, glad we’re at least talking about this. “I didn’t mean for it to happen.”
“You haven’t dated in years,” Julian mutters. “Why him?”
“Chemistry?” I offer. “That’s the best I can do. It feels natural with him. I don’t have to try or be anxious or second-guess myself. It’s just so much fun to make him smile. It feels like a reward. I know that probably sounds silly.”
“Damian isn’t much of a smiler,” Julian says with a reluctant grin on his own.
“I can tell. Hence the reward.”
“He used to smile a lot,” Julian goes on. “Before his parents. But then there was the crash… and the life, our new lives. The blood and the pain and the never-ending shit the Family heaps on our heads.”
We sit in silence for a time.
“I still remember when you were small enough that I could hold you,” Julian says with a longing pang in his voice. “You were so tiny. I was a teenager when you were born, already good friends with Damian. I remember talking to him about you, telling him I was going to do everything in my power to be the best brother I possibly could.”
He turns, stares bleakly at me. “The idea of you kissing… it freaks me out. But for these past three days, you’ve been so miserable, so unlike yourself. And that, Celine, that freaks me out even more.” He sighs, letting his head fall against the headrest. “I don’t know what to do. I just wish this would end.”