Total pages in book: 105
Estimated words: 103050 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 515(@200wpm)___ 412(@250wpm)___ 344(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 103050 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 515(@200wpm)___ 412(@250wpm)___ 344(@300wpm)
The three of us travel up to the tenth floor and then the three of us all get out. I follow Aurora along the corridor. At some point the interloper in our party peels off and lets herself into a room.
“Aurora,” I say, as the door to the woman’s room clicks shut.
“This is the presidential suite,” Aurora says, as she puts her key into the lock and opens the door. “It has the most incredible views uptown,” she adds, sweeping her hand toward the window. “And a separate office. The bedroom is through there. Does this have the space you’re looking for?”
“Yes, this is great. Aurora, please, give me five minutes.”
“I’m at work, Deacon.”
“I know,” I say. “But I want to talk to you.”
“We’ve said what we need to say to each other.”
“I want to marry you,” I blurt out. I hadn’t expected to lead with that, but it’s true.
She steps back like I’ve slapped her across the face.
“I want to be your husband,” I say, softer now, and something inside clicks into place at the idea of being Aurora’s husband with her standing right in front of me. It feels so completely right.
She shakes her head. “Don’t say that. You don’t want to marry me.”
“I do want to marry you,” I say. I understand she’s skeptical. I walked away so easily, I have to convince her. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. I love you, Aurora.” Telling her how I feel releases something in me, something that’s been so tightly wound for so long. Everything loosens and slots into place. “You have made me see the world differently. You make me want to be better. A better father, brother, man. And I want to be the best husband I can be to you.”
This is how life’s meant to be. Me with Aurora.
She steps back again. “You can’t love me.” Her voice breaks at the end of the sentence. I understand her fear. I wrote the book on being afraid. But I’m not going anywhere.
“I love you,” I tell her again. I won’t ever stop telling her. Because it’s the truth and I can’t not say it.
“No,” she says.
“I’ve been weak. And fearful. And I’m still fearful, but not of change. Not of disrupting Willow. Willow is… Willow isn’t me.”
In that moment, I realize, I haven’t been parenting my daughter. I’ve been parenting myself. I’ve been trying to rewrite history in the present, and it’s impossible. I can’t undo my sister dying, or the endless moving around that came out of being a child of a dad in the army. I can’t stop Willow from feeling pain and loss and fear. It’s part of life.
But so is joy and happiness. They coexist, whether I like it or not. I’ve been so busy running and hiding from fear that I’ve not embraced the good in the world. I need to lean into the good bits of life and start really living.
“I was afraid of what change would do to Willow. Now I realize Willow’s more than happy with her world. It’s me who’s not. I’m still afraid. Afraid of losing you. Afraid that one day I’ll wake up in a New York that doesn’t have you in it. That I’ll live in a New York without you. That I’ll be forced to live in a world where you’re not right by my side.”
Aurora searches my face. “Deacon.”
“I mean it. I want you. I want us to be together. I want to marry you. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together.”
She shakes her head—and my stomach turns inside out.
“What do I need to do? I understand that you might not believe me. You might think that I can’t be trusted. Let me show you. Let me prove to you that everything I’m saying is true. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
“Deacon,” she says again. “I can’t give you what you need.”
“I need you.”
She shakes her head. “Even if everything you say is true, and even if I get to a point where I can accept that, it still doesn’t—”
“Do you want me?” I ask. “Can you see a life together, like I can? Because if you can’t, then I’ll walk away. But—”
“Deacon, it’s not about wanting you. I’ve always wanted you. But you and Willow…you both deserve someone…” Her eyes go glassy and she looks away. “You both deserve someone who can give you a family. You’re an incredible father. You should have more children.”
“You don’t want me because of Willow?”
“What?” she says. “Willow’s the most delightful child. This has nothing to do with her.”
“So if you’re not opposed to a child, then…” I’m trying to understand what she’s saying.
“I’ve told you, I can’t have children, Deacon. I can’t give you the family that you and Willow deserve. So even if you want me now…you’ll soon come to see that you both need someone else—”