Total pages in book: 105
Estimated words: 103050 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 515(@200wpm)___ 412(@250wpm)___ 344(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 103050 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 515(@200wpm)___ 412(@250wpm)___ 344(@300wpm)
“There are plenty of ways to have children,” I say. “And I’m not saying that’s definitely what I…” I’m not quite sure what I’m saying, but I don’t want us to start planning what our future looks like when I don’t know. If Aurora and I end up together, then we’ll figure it out. I have no doubt about that. “Nothing’s guaranteed in this world. And there are options for you.”
She sighs. “I’m not sure about that,” she says.
“You don’t have to think about any of that now.”
“Yes, but you do. If you want a family, Deacon, then I’m not the woman—”
“My feelings haven’t changed. I told you we can figure out things as we go along.”
Her gaze stays fixed on her lap, like she doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. I wish I could pull out a crystal ball and show her the future I think we can have. A future where Willow is a happy, thriving kid with two devoted families. She’s not missing out.
It’s all I’ve ever wanted for my daughter.
Willow has to come first. I can’t rush things with Aurora.
“That’s all I’ve ever done, Deacon—let life happen to me. I’ve spent my life waiting in the wings and now I’m ready to go on stage. It’s time.”
“You’re right. Asking you to wait is asking a lot. But wouldn’t walking away be worse?”
She sighs and leans back on my chest. “I don’t know if I have the strength to walk away from you.”
Hope surges in my chest. I don’t want her to walk away. Not now and maybe not ever.
“Then don’t. Stay here. Stay in New York.”
I pull her closer, and as I do, the clouds shift and our shade under the trees is interrupted by bright sunshine.
Stay for me, I don’t say. I can’t say. But maybe I will say, one day soon.
THIRTY-TWO
Deacon
The handover between me and Gabby usually lasts no more than a second. She has her life. I have mine and there are no need for catch-ups. We text during the week if big things happen with Willow. Lucia knows the rest. When Gabby asks me for a word as soon as I get home on Wednesday evening, my stomach lurches.
“In private,” she says.
My gut twists. What bomb is she about to drop on me now?
I follow her into the living room. Willow is eating her dinner with Lucia and I can hear them chatting. They won’t be able to hear anything Gabby and I talk about.
“I’m pregnant,” she whispers, stopping my blood cold. “Four months, and I’m starting to show. I’m going to have to tell Willow.”
I take a step away from her. “Pregnant?” I whisper-shout. “One day you’re getting engaged and the next day you’re four months pregnant?” Then I realize that she and Ray have gotten engaged because of the pregnancy. They would have known for months.
Fuck. I feel like such an idiot. Why didn’t I guess this was what came next?
“Now Willow’s going to have a half brother or sister out of nowhere, and you’re just dropping this on me now?”
“Jesus Christ, Deacon, I’m not dropping this on you. This has nothing to do with you at all. I’m only telling you because Willow might want to share her feelings about it with you.”
“Willow is just getting used to the thought of you and Ray getting married. We haven’t even told her that she’s going to have to move home twice a week, and now she’s having a half-sibling?” I shake my head, trying to contain my anger.
This is the problem with Gabby, she doesn’t think about Willow. It’s exhausting. Willow has never been her priority. That’s why I ended up having Willow every Saturday night and not alternating as we first agreed—Gabby was always out, and so it didn’t make sense for her to come back to the townhouse, only to abandon her as soon as she was in bed. It’s not like Gabby can slip out discreetly. She takes at least three hours to get ready, which means she wouldn’t be putting Willow to bed anyway.
So I have to come in to steady the ship—to make sure I provide the consistency that Willow needs. Someone who she knows isn’t going anywhere.
“This is life,” Gabby says. “It doesn’t just stay the same day in and day out. We’re not designed as humans to be bored out of our heads. We’re meant to have stages in our lives. Different chapters. Maybe you should worry less about protecting Willow from every change in her world and have her embrace life. Embrace the color that change can bring. You can’t lock her up in a tower so nothing can happen to her.”
Gabby thinks life is all sunshine and roses, and it has been for her. Gabby has lived a charmed life. She’s been lucky. She doesn’t understand that sometimes, even as a child, life can be excruciating. It can feel like you can’t breathe, like someone’s got their foot on your neck and you are too small and powerless to do anything but lie there. I just want Willow to be protected.