Total pages in book: 56
Estimated words: 52779 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 264(@200wpm)___ 211(@250wpm)___ 176(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 52779 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 264(@200wpm)___ 211(@250wpm)___ 176(@300wpm)
“Being with you at all is enough,” I choke out. “I’m almost ashamed to say it. But I’ll take you in my life however I can get you. If you can only give me an hour, Mick, I’ll take the hour. Because one hour with you is better than the other twenty-three with anyone else.”
That’s it—my dignity is a distant memory. I’m begging this guy for scraps and I’m not even sorry. Because it’s the sad truth. I want his time, and I’ll take as much of it as he can give me. Even if it’s not much at all. It isn’t easy facing how far gone I am on this man
“How long do I have?” he says finally.
“Till what? Until I get sick of waiting for you to say something and I call a Lyft?”
“Until you leave, back to California.”
“I finished my first prep course. The exam, the first part, is scheduled already. I spoke to HR about taking the day off.”
“Whatever you need,” he says stiffly.
“Are you asking the same thing as my brother? How soon can I leave Boston? I didn’t think when I came home that everybody would be counting down till you see the back of me,” I say, trying not to reveal how hurt I am.
“For me it’s the opposite. How many days do I have left with you, that’s the question.”
“If I pass the first time which is no guarantee because lots of people have to take it more than once, some people do it in under a year. I mean, there’s people who work on it full time for like five months and get it all in that length of time. It has four sections, the test does.”
“So you’re ready for part one. Three more to go after you pass this one. You’re saying it could be a couple months or it could be longer, right?’
“Yeah.”
“What do you say to keeping this up till you go back? If you need more time to study or something, just say so, but I want to hang on to you as long as I can.”
It’s lukewarm and noncommittal but I take that deal happily. Being wanted temporarily is better than not being wanted at all as pathetic as that sounds even to my own ears.
“Okay, how about we set up a regular meeting in the crow’s nest, Wednesday nights?” I offer, trying to make it feel more like a game, filthy and fun, and less like settling for crumbs.
“All right, what time on Wednesdays?”
“Nine. Right after they open.”
“I know you like it when there’s people playing on the main floor. That they’re on the other side of the glass,” he observes and I nod, not bothering to deny it. If all I can have of him is a few more months, I’ll give myself this to look forward to, a scheduled rendezvous.
I watch him take out his phone and put it in the calendar as a recurring appointment. I allow myself to smile even though it feels bittersweet, like I’ve lost something I knew I could never have anyway.
15
MICKEY
Ican’t make her promises. I know what she wants from me. I can tell by the tremulous, wide-eyed gaze. But I won’t do it. She’ll be back in California in a couple of months and I’ll be stuck here picking up the pieces of my life if I hand it all over to her today. I want to, don’t get me wrong. But this woman can destroy me.
I’m already hooked on hearing her every thought. I stepped out of a meeting yesterday to call and ask if she wanted to grab supper at the brewery on Castle Island. Because I crave her voice and I needed the promise of that to look forward to. Desperation creeps in so quickly, the feeling that I absolutely won’t survive this when she leaves me.
When she puts me to the question and asks me to tell her the truth, I damn near get up and walk away. There’s no way I can tell her the truth. I have to keep up my walls as much as I can and treat this like the fling it has never been. It’s all smoke and mirrors, armor that can’t begin to protect me. After all these years alone and lonelier than I even realized, I have Katie.
But only for a few months, only for now, because the universe is cruel that way. There’s no amount of acting casual and pretending I’m just here for a good time that’s going to soften the blow for me. All I can do is act more detached than I feel and set her up with managed expectations knowing that this isn’t some great romance.
This doesn’t end happily. I’ve known it all along. It’s why I fought the attraction for weeks. I’ll take every Wednesday with her, every minute I can get. Otherwise, I’ve got to try and remember how it feels to act normal. Not to walk around with my heart on my sleeve for someone I can never have.