Total pages in book: 121
Estimated words: 115308 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 577(@200wpm)___ 461(@250wpm)___ 384(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 115308 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 577(@200wpm)___ 461(@250wpm)___ 384(@300wpm)
It was also the reason we’d made no plans toward our wedding. We hadn’t even had an engagement party yet, and we’d been engaged for eighteen months. I had close friends and family who hadn’t met him!
“That’s not what this is about.” Will took a shuddering breath, his eyes washing over my face. “Christ, you make this hard when you walk in here looking like that.”
Make what hard? I felt nauseated.
Will had been distant for weeks.
I’d ignored it because I’d hoped it was just work that was keeping him busy.
“Looking like what?”
“So beautiful I sometimes can’t believe you’re real.”
When we first met, his compliments had filled the empty place inside me that constantly battled a sense of unworthiness. But over the last three years, my feelings about his focus on my outward appearance had grown complex. Sometimes I no longer knew how his compliments made me feel. Maybe because I was obsessed with my appearance to the point of anxiousness, and his preoccupation with it only worsened my hyperfocus on my exterior presentation. And not for the reasons people might think.
“What’s going on?”
Will nodded nervously. “You … uh … you know Birgitta?”
Instantly, I stiffened.
Birgitta was Will’s ex-girlfriend from university, a Swedish international student at Edinburgh. They broke up because she returned home after graduation. Then, a year ago, Birgitta moved back to Edinburgh for a job, and she and Will struck up a friendship. It made me uncomfortable because it was clear the Swede was not over Will, and she treated me with icy politeness.
“Nothing has happened,” Will hurried to assure me. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”
I wanted to be relieved but felt increasing panic instead. “Okay …”
“But … there are … there are strong feelings still.”
A hollow hurt expanded across my chest. “From you or her?”
Will grimaced guiltily. “From us both. I tried to deny it, but … she and I have been meeting for lunch every week and talking for ages on the phone … and I realized I still have feelings for her.”
I could barely hear past the blood rushing in my ears as I tried to remain calm. “You’ve been carrying on an emotional affair with her.”
He dared to flinch. “If you want to label it as such. Though it was never my intention.”
“I’m labeling it as such because that’s what it fucking is.” Tears burned my eyes as I stood to move away from him.
“Don’t swear, it’s crass.”
I whirled on him in outrage. “Fuck. You.”
He sighed heavily and then nodded. “Sorry.”
I began to pace as visions of the safe future that had been laid out before me wavered at this news. Will wasn’t perfect. But I hadn’t been looking for an idealistic romance. Maybe as a teenager in the flush of first love with Charlie, my high school boyfriend, I’d thought it possible. But that fell apart, and this person I’d loved was suddenly gone, and it reminded me too of … I just … I decided I didn’t want to go through life experiencing that over and over again. I’d wanted someone steady. Someone who had control over every aspect of his life so he’d never bring chaos into mine. I’d had enough chaos to last a lifetime.
Will made me feel secure. Sometimes we’d be in the middle of a mundane task and he’d pull me into his strong arms, and a peace and calm unlike anything I’d ever known would wash over me. I felt loved and safe. And I thought … I thought I’d get to feel that way for the rest of my life.
This … this wasn’t what I’d ever expected from him.
“What do you want me to say?” My lips trembled as I held back tears, defensively crossing my arms over my chest. If I looked at his handsome face, I’d cry, so I stared out his large windows at the rooftops of the Georgian buildings across the street. The clouds above them hung heavy and gray. A typical spring evening in Edinburgh.
Yet not typical.
A typical evening meant curling up beside Will on his uncomfortable sofa with a plate of healthy Thai food I didn’t particularly enjoy, watching a documentary until I could safely excuse myself to read the latest bestselling thriller novel. Then Will would come to bed, and we’d have sex. Sometimes I’d come; sometimes I’d fake it. Will always came. It hadn’t mattered to me because I didn’t care about the sex. I adored the intimacy. The expression on his face as he moved inside me, like I was everything in that moment. The way he whispered he loved me before I fell asleep in his arms. That was the part I held on to.
“I need time.” Will stood to face me. “Marriage is a huge deal, Maia. And I do love you. But … I’m still in love with Birgitta too. So … I’m asking you to give me some time with her … to figure out if she’s who I want.”