Total pages in book: 91
Estimated words: 88212 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 441(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 88212 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 441(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
I’m surprised when it’s Damien who says, “We’re here for you when you’re ready. We’re bros, ya know?”
I…didn’t expect that from him. But besides that glitch earlier, he has been more chill about Miles since our last talk.
“For sure,” Leo adds.
“Thanks. I appreciate it.” And I do. We might not all always get along perfectly, but these guys are my brothers.
“I can tell you’re itching to go see your boy,” Teddy says.
“Yeah. He baked me cookies.” I grin, not telling them the first batch was burned.
“Are we talking about the same Miles Tanner?” Andy cocks a brow.
“And he also fucked me so hard I saw stars,” I tease, making them all laugh.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Damien pretends to roll his eyes, but it’s all playful.
It feels good to laugh with him. I hate feeling this way. I’ve worked hard to be…well, sunshine, like Miles calls me, and I want to find my way back. “I’m gonna go grab my shit.”
I tell them goodbye, then head to my room, take a quick shower, pack some things, and then dip.
I slip into the apartment without knocking and find Miles painting. I love watching him work, seeing him lose himself in his art. The only other time I ever see him let go is when he’s fucking me, or kissing me, or looking at me in this intense way that only he can.
I take off my shoes, curl up on the couch, and just…take him in. At first, it’s like he doesn’t even realize I’m there, but I know he does. He’s just so comfortable around me that he can continue to be completely absorbed in his work. It’s like he knows he’s safe with me, just like I know I’m safe with him, and I want Miles to always feel like that because I think with me is the only place he gets it.
The canvas looks dark and stormy, grays and dark blues and…thunderstorms? Is that what he’s painting? But there are also a few pops of yellow, like the sunshine is trying to break through. Sunshine and storms. Me and Miles. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.
He sighs and rinses his brush. “I’m not sure about it.”
“I am. It’s incredible.”
Miles smirks. “You have to say that because you’re my boyfriend.” He comes over and sits down beside me, and I exhale a breath that feels like it’s been trapped all day. “How are you?” he asks, and for the first time today, I share how I really feel.
“Sad,” I say, and he cocks his head, brows furrowed, as if he didn’t expect me to really answer. “Confused. Guilty.”
“Guilty? You don’t have anything to feel guilty about. Your father—”
“Not him,” I interrupt. “Well…yes, to an extent. I do feel a little guilty because I hated him for so long, when in reality, he raised a son who wasn’t his.”
“And made you feel less than. No one should ever make you feel less than you are, Dax. You’re…everything.”
I grin, hold his face, and kiss him. “Such a closet sweetheart.”
“Don’t ever tell anyone.” He gives a small smile in return, then wraps his arm around me, running his fingers through my hair.
“You’re right. I know you are, but mostly I’m just confused and feel guilty about my feelings about my mom. She was my hero, my safe place. She’s where I felt loved. While it felt like he always did the wrong thing, I believed she always did the right thing. I thought she always had my best interests at heart, and now I’m second-guessing that. I worry she’s not who I thought she was, like I’m an unreliable narrator in my own life. Then I feel guilty for thinking that way. She’s my mom. I know she loved me.”
Miles is quiet, and I realize this must bring up bad feelings for him too because of losing his own mom.
“I’m sorry, Miles. I—”
“Don’t be. You can talk to me. This is how you take care of someone, right?”
I nod.
“I don’t think you should feel guilty for any of that. Anyone would feel that way. You can love her and know she loved you but acknowledge she wasn’t perfect.”
I cock a brow. “Wow. You’re good at this.”
“Shut up.” He tries to pull back, but I hold him tight.
“I’m being serious. That’s exactly what it is, and I didn’t realize it until this second. She was always perfect for me. I thought she could do no wrong because in my eyes, she never did, but she was only human.” We all make mistakes. We all screw up. We all have shit to deal with, my mom included. Her actions were wrong, and they ultimately hurt me, but that doesn’t take away from the love she gave me. She did her best, just like we all do. “Thank you.”