Total pages in book: 114
Estimated words: 112736 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 564(@200wpm)___ 451(@250wpm)___ 376(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 112736 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 564(@200wpm)___ 451(@250wpm)___ 376(@300wpm)
A tiny whisper breaks the silence. “Mommy?”
Shit. Dropping the gun back into the box, I slowly uncurl my body from around Allie.
It’s the other part of my soul that enters the room.
In our wild night of fucking and fighting, I knew Darlene would know enough to help me out and get him settled in. I should have done it myself, and I know that. Fuck. He’s probably terrified as it fucking is.
Levi’s trembling whisper comes again, “Mommy?”
Is he terrified of me? Or is he terrified of whoever the fuck Mikhail is?
My heart knows the answer.
It’s both.
Rolling gently away from Allie and feeling the warmth of her back leave my chest makes my mind throb with memories and anger. I should have been feeling her skin against me for the last five fucking years. Not the emptiness that consumed me.
“Levi,” I say quietly.
“Where’s Mommy?” he asks, his silhouette framed in doorway.
“She’s in here sleepin’ again,” I say as I move from the side of my bed to grab my boxers out of my jeans.
“Is—” he starts with a teary voice. “Is she okay?”
“Of course, buddy,” I say and yank my underwear up.
No need to traumatize the kid any further with seeing his old man naked and his momma fucked into a deep sleep.
“Really?” he asks with a touch of hope.
“Yep, she’s just really tired now. She must have had a hard day with all that cleanin’ and findin’ out things,” I say and walk over to where he’s standing.
“She drove all the way here. I slept lots, she drank lots of cof-kee,” he says.
“Cof-kee?” I ask.
“Yeah, that icky black stuff.”
“Oh, coffee,” I say and then squat down in front of my very own fucking son.
“Yeah, lots of that stuff. It smells bad, but she drank lots when we left Florida.”
My hands clench in anger as I think on his words. “Florida.”
“Yeah,” he says quietly.
“Couldn’t sleep?”
“Can I see mommy? Please?”
Shit.
“Yeah… Let me get… Just give me a second, buddy,” I say before hurrying over and snagging the blanket that’s fallen beneath Allie’s heavy tits.
Regretfully, I pull it over them.
I don’t get much of her covered before he’s crawling right up beside me and looking down at her face. His tiny hand reaches up and gently touches her cheek right as she lets out a loud snore.
Fuck, we both look at each other and get a case of the snickers.
Gently, I pull him away from her and look into his eyes.
“Hey buddy, do you want me to get ya tucked back into your bed?” I try to put emphasis on the word your but it doesn’t seem to work.
“I don’t want to leave mommy,” he says quietly, and I can see his little lip start to tremble.
“Fuck,” I grumble.
Wincing, he seems to shrink at my cussing. What the fuck? His little eyes look down and he turns away from me like he’s afraid I’m gonna hurt him. My heart fills with so much fucking anger, I can barely breathe.
My lungs want to exhale a scream of rage.
My son will never fear me, god fucking dammit.
Exhaling as quietly as I can, I lay down on my side of the bed with my back facing Allie.
Pulling the blanket up, I say, “Come here, Levi. You can stay with us tonight.”
“Okay,” he says, and I can feel his fear reaching deep down inside me and twisting my stomach in a knot.
He scoots so carefully to lay down on his side next to me, I can tell he’s scared as shit. He’s like a frightened dog who’s been whipped too many times to trust kindness.
Wrapping my arms around his tiny shoulders, I pull him back against my chest and take a deep breath. I can smell his scent. It brings a tightness to my chest. Anger and something entirely different fills me. I can’t think of the words, so I ignore it all and just pull him and hold him tightly.
“It’s okay, Levi. I’m sorry for cussin’. You don’t gotta be scared with me. I promise son, I will protect you,” I say quietly into his ear.
He doesn’t speak but he nods slowly against my chin.
We lay here for a long time, drifting through the night. At first, his body is as stiff as the cadavers I destroy. And I wish I could rip all his fears and worries away. Strip him of all the terror he must have lived through.
But I can’t.
I don’t know much about kids or how to be a father. I don’t know the magic that could fix whatever hurts my son has been through while he was livin’ without me. I wish I did. I’d fucking push every ounce of strength and love I could into his little body.
But I can’t, and it fills me with such an ache, I can’t even describe it.