Total pages in book: 166
Estimated words: 160042 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 800(@200wpm)___ 640(@250wpm)___ 533(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 160042 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 800(@200wpm)___ 640(@250wpm)___ 533(@300wpm)
His breath puffs out as he says, “Stalkin’ is more Rad’s territory but if you wanna call it that, it’s fine.”
I clench my teeth. “Yes, I do want to call it that because that’s what it is.”
“I call it somethin’ else.”
“Yeah? What?”
His eyes flick back and forth between mine as he says in a rough voice, “Me keepin’ tabs on you, watchin’ you from a distance, finally leaving Rawhide to follow you to Bozeman, it’s not stalkin’. I call it living.”
My voice is high and my heart is sitting on the tip of my tongue when I ask, “You… you moved to Bozeman?”
He gives out a short nod. “Yeah.”
“That’s…” I shake my head, looking at him in disbelief. “Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind?”
“Not yet.”
“I can’t…” I take in a sharp breath. “Do you realize how crazy this is? This is the city. Maybe it’s not the busiest city or the biggest city in the world but it’s crowded. It’s way more crowded than Black Rock, than your ranch. And you hate crowds. Not in the way where you find people annoying. Although, you do find them that but more in a real, symptomatic way.”
His jaw is hard, and I expect him to wave it off or shut this down. But all he does is shrug—albeit extremely tightly—and reply, “A small price to pay for living.”
This time when he uses that word, I can finally hear it, and it’s not a good thing. Because I’ve been able to hold on to my ire all this time. I’ve been able to focus on distracting things instead of the most important fact of all: that he is here in the first place. But at this, my reprieve is over and I have to face facts.
And the fact is, he’s here for me.
He can see it, too, that I’ve finally accepted the truth, because his chest swells again and he swallows thickly. “Pictured tellin’ you this one day. Didn’t know it’d be tonight though. It wasn’t my intention when I came here. I just… I wanted to thank you.”
“What?”
He swallows with difficulty again. “For savin’ my life.”
“I didn’t—”
“For savin’ her life. My… Rosie.”
At this, I can’t say anything. My words turn into pinpricks and get stuck in my throat, and all I can do is stare at him with stinging eyes. He shakes his head, looking over my shoulder. “It never occurred to me. To honor her in that way. Never thought I could… I knew nothin’ would bring her back but I didn’t think there was a way to still keep her alive. I thought I’d lost her and I know it sounds strange ’cause I never had her but… Just the idea of her was so… real. So vivid and visceral that I… I lost my head a little bit.” He narrows his eyes as he keeps going as if he can see something in the distance that no one else can. “Can’t say I’ve ever been really good at usin’ my head. I was always this way, but I guess it got really bad when my parents passed. Ma was the only one I’d listen to, but when she was gone… All of us boys got real rowdy. I regret a lot of things in my life.”
His eyes come back to mine then. “You already know that. But the biggest regret I’ve got is what I did to you. And I’m not talkin’ about what I did before, when I lied to you and”—his jaw clenches—“kidnapped you. I do regret that still, but I… I’m talkin’ about how I treated you when you told me. You told me your feelings. You were so brave that night, standin’ there, bare body, bare soul and it… It was the most stunning you’ve ever been. Proud and vulnerable. Beautiful. So strong that it…”
He pauses to put his hand to his chest, rubbing it a bit. I don’t even think he realizes he’s doing it because his eyes once again have a faraway look, like he’s actually picturing me from that night.
“It makes my chest hurt,” he goes on, coming back to me again. “It makes my whole body hurt, burn that I… I sent you away. Instead of gatherin’ you in my arms and giving you what you wanted: my truth. At the time, I told myself that I was doin’ it for your own good. I was pushin’ you away, tellin’ you to run, breakin’ your precious heart because that was the right thing to do. And maybe it was because God knows, I haven’t really been a worthy man. Not even before I got put away. I was an asshole. I lied back then too. I used women. Never respected them enough to stick around. I was selfish, had my fun and cut. But I’ve been doin’ some soul-searchin’ this past week and the complete truth is that you scare me. You scared me when I’d only read your words and you scared me even more when I saw you in that white dress I told you to wear. You made me feel too much. You make me feel too much. With you, I don’t know what’s right or what’s wrong. I don’t know up from down. I don’t know if I should slow down or speed up. I push you away but I don’t let go. I pull you closer but I’m afraid to hold on. Everything about you scares me. Your strength, your bravery when I’ve always been a coward when it comes to emotions. How you can be vulnerable when I don’t know how. How you can fill all the empty spaces in my chest when I keep breakin’ your heart. It scares me that you deserve so much more and so much better than me. Than a hardened ex-con with a million regrets who only started breathin’ again when you made him. When you filled his lungs with your buttercup scent. When you filled his nightmares with dreams. When you got him to sleep.”